Don't Dismiss Me.

This will be a rant, so you are officially warned.

I had my scoliosis specialist visit and I have NEVER felt so disrespected in my life.

I had such peace about today, and I really felt pretty good about it all.  I'd done a significant amount of research and really was ready to sit down and talk to someone and decide a plan of action.  Anyone that knows me, knows how much I love a good plan.  It's how I roll.  I need one, and I need all the people to have one, too.  I was ready to plan today, and to finally figure out how to tackle the problem that is my back (my neck, my back...my neck and my back).

The appointment started off on a rather sour note.  My chiropractic office gave me x-rays that were from 2012, thus rendering them null and void for usage today.  I was and still am VERY upset by this.  Their mistake cost me not only almost $300, but more importantly required me to have another set of x-rays taken.  If you have been keeping count, that would be the third set in less than six weeks (along with a CT scan, too).  I am in no way against x-rays, but I am against the repeated exposure to radiation.  I have had 6 shots done total, and I just feel like that is way too much.  I have expressed my severe displeasure to my chiro office and am waiting to see how they respond.  This is a very serious mistake in my book, and one that I need some sort of restitution on.

So, there was that. I had another round of 'ray's, and sat and waited...and waited...and waited.  We waited almost an hour, and only then did the P.A. come in.  He was so nice, and attentive, and really was listening to me and my story.  I know I'm a weird case - has ANYTHING ever gone normally for me (the answer to that is noppppeee).  I just want someone to listen to me, because I have a lot to say and it all matters.  That's not being an asshole, that's just the truth.  The P.A. was doing a pretty good job and it and then the door flew open.

Dr. H, or whom I presumed to be Dr. H since he couldn't be bothered to introduce himself, came flying through the door and interrupted our conversation.  He started with "I heard you were in a car accident".  Well, yes, I said, I was, but that isn't the whole reason I'm here...at a scoliosis specialist.  He said, "Well, the scoliosis didn't just pop up overnight, so I guess that wasn't a surprise."  Um...thanks Captain Obvious - we all know this crooked back didn't just happen because I slept wrong.  I'm sitting there dumbfounded, really confused by this terrible man's horrendous bedside manner when he goes into "Well, your 40 degree curve isn't something I'll be concerned with, so let's just get you some painpills and send you on your way."

Pump.  The. Brakes.

I'm going to digress just a little bit, but THIS IS WHY AMERICA HAS AN EFFING PILL PROBLEM.

This man, who knows nothing about me and that I bet couldn't pick me out of a lineup, just gave me the keys the to the pain pill kingdom. Just like that.  Never looked a chart, didn't ask any questions, nothing.  He also prescribed Flexeril, which is an extremely potent muscle relaxer.  I've already been prescribed that once before, and spent the next three days in a complete haze because of it.  I can't take it and also participate in life, there is just no way.  Mom and I both were like, are you serious?!  Last time I took that stuff, I slept upwards of 18 hrs a day!  Not really conducive to being a wife, mom, employee...I'd be in bed asleep!

I'm in tears at this point, crying and saying "but...I can't walk?  I'm having a hard time functioning? This can't be normal for a 32 year old woman."  I was told that the pills would help, and that he couldn't believe I wasn't on anything already.  Like I was crazy for wanting to try and do things without drugs.

I was so mad, and it took every ounce of my being not to lose my shit.  I mean, it really took a LOT.  I felt so hurt and dismissed.  How is someone who doesn't know me going to tell me that my curve isn't worth being concerned by.  Do you have a curvy back?  Do you struggle to chase your kids?  Do you want to spend more time than normal in your bed because it's just easier?  I am going to guess he doesn't.  This is not a situation where being told to rub some dirt on it and get back in the game is going to be sufficient.  I did not take off work, spend my time and money and drag my mother along to have some asshole not help me.

After he felt annoyed by our drug questions (which I don't plan on taking unless it just gets unbearable, and even then - I am just not sure), he flippantly said I should get some PT and waltzed out of the room, probably off to check on a patient that has a bigger, more important curve.

The P.A. wrapped up stuff, but I don't really remember what he said.  I was just so frustrated I was leaving there without a thing - a reason for the pain, a way to help, nothing.  Even the stupid receptionist was a bitch about things.  I'm sorry that I live in Arlington, heaven forbid I would like to see a PT out there.  It was just all around a mess.

So...I'm basically where I was yesterday, except I have a diagnosed insignificant curve not worth anyone's concern and $527 more broke.  I'm pissed, hurt, frustrated and most of all just tired.  It makes me so mad that someone could be so mean.  I am not a hypochondriac.   This is real, and it really needs to be fixed.  I don't want surgery, that is the last resort for me. I just want to get back to life.

My mother in law has a plan for me, and now I just need to get down to Salado and meet with the guy she says will change my life.  That is tentatively planned for a few weeks, so that's the new plan.  Until then, my insignificant curve and I will keep on keepin' on...that's all we can do.  Please understand that right now I'm not in a really great place, and I'm trying to keep my head above water.

but...you look fine?

I am a horrible blogger.  Life, in all of its beautiful craziness, has taken over and I've been doing my best to take it all in.

If you missed my over postings via Facebook and Instagram, here is the Cliff's Notes version of the last four months:

• Sean and I decided to take a trip to Vegas for a friends wedding, which prompted me to start #projectvegas - an all out attempt to get in shape and be super hot for Sin City.
• This all out attempt was thwarted by several illnesses, but I was able to log in on average 4-6 workouts a week with intense weight sessions.  I was seeing results and feeling really good about things.  
• On April 1, I was involved in a hit and run accident which scored me a sweet ride in the ambulance, a short visit to Arlington Memorial and a migraine that lasted well over a week.
• From that accident, I have suffered from intense back and neck pain daily/hourly/to the minute.  
• On April 11th, we did make that trip to Vegas.  It was rough, but I wouldn't trade seeing my friend get married for anything!  I just really had a rough time with the walking/standing.  It was not my favorite vacation.
• I've begun chiropractic/PT care, but have decided to visit with a scoliosis specialist to visit the all scary back surgery.  This is the part where I want to vomit everywhere.

I hate being the victim.  I actually dislike reading about people who paint themselves as the victim, too, so that's a big reason why I haven't said much about the pain I've been in.  It's bad, y'all.  It is all day, errrr day and it's affecting my daily life.  It makes me a huge bitch, very short tempered, extremely emotional and probably borderline unstable at times.  Actually, it's somewhat similar to how I behaved on all those fertility drugs I had to take a few years back, so if you remember that - I'm sorry.  It's a roller coaster of emotions that I have yet to get a hold over.  A friend Monday night said her husband told her to "lock it down" (when referencing her tears due to her emotional thank you speech), and I should probably take that advice at times, too.  I'm trying to be as honest as possible with the ones that I love, because I can be extremely short and no one has ever accused me of being overly sweet to begin with.  It most likely has nothing to do with you (or maybe it does?  Don't be an asshole haha), and I just caution all that you never know what you will get.

For those who don't know, I suffer from scoliosis.  Most people don't know this about me because I just haven't really said much about it.  Most cases (like mine) are caused by unknown reasons, and I have a pretty severe "S" curve in my back. I believe my top curve is around 40 degrees, and the lower one around 30 degrees in the opposite direction.  My right shoulder slumps down significantly, and one of my hips is higher than the other.  With all of that said, at first glance you probably wouldn't notice how out of whack I am.  I've adapted quite nicely over the past 15 years or so, and I am "lucky" that I don't look crazy...yet.  I have noticed, however, that things are changing a little more rapidly than I'd prefer.  The car accident on April 1 didn't help anything, either.  

What I am dealing with is a true disability, but an "invisible" one.  It is really hard for me to use the word disability, but it is the best term I can come up with.  Since the accident, my pain level has gone up.  I can't pick up the kids, I can't sit in a chair, I have difficulties walking after only a few minutes and working out has slown down to only include riding the recumbent bike.  I'm having a hard time with this whole situation.  I worked my butt off to lose weight and become more active with the kids, and now I can't do much of anything.  I finally decided to meet with a scoliosis specialist, because I am at my wits end.

So, the specialist visit.  I have thought about this visit for years.  With a 40 degree curve up top, and an almost 30 degree curve the other direction in my lower spine, it was only a matter of time before I started feeling the way that I do.  The car accident sure didn't help anything, either.  I felt like I was managing it ok with working out consistently, but I can hardly do anything other than ride the stupid bike.  I'm eating Advil like they are skittles, and really feeling no relief.  I'm good if I take a hydrocodone or two, but I'll also be asleep for 18 hrs that day so I can't do that very often.  I found a blog about a young girl that had this surgery (Her Scoliosis Journey) and cried reading the whole thing.  I can relate to pretty much everything she's gone through, and see that if I don't do something soon it will only get worse.  This surgery is so serious, though.  It will change everything.  I have tears in my eyes just typing those words.  I have no idea what the doctor will say, but I keep preparing myself for "you need to do it".  Those are some big words.

This surgery doesn't affect just me, either.  Sean..my mom...my kids...my work...my life.  This changes everything for them, too.  How do you make a decision that huge, with the possible outcome of death/paralysis?  It's just so insane.  My initial recovery, just to get out of bed, would be around six months.  SIX MONTHS.  What.the.hell.  On the flip side, what if I give up these six months and get my life back?  I've read about girls training for marathons after this surgery.  Now, I'm pretty sure I just don't want to do that in general - but I could if I wanted to after this surgery!!!  I guess I just hope to have a clearer picture of the whole situation next week after my visit.  I need a plan.

I'll leave you with this...please, if you pray (or if you don't, just send up a shout out anyway), can you send some good ones up for me?  My visit is next Wednesday.  Also, please pray for my sweet family - they sure don't deserve to deal with this, but they are doing so with tremendous understanding and grace.  I am very lucky to have them.  Also, huge thanks to my friends for understanding and loving me through this, too.  I know I'm a lot to deal with on a good day, and I appreciate you very much.   

Whole 30 - The First Seven Days

Ok, so that picture may be a tad bit negative, but it is pretty accurate.

I really enjoyed blogging my Whole 30 experience last time, and reference it a lot, so here I go again!

On Monday, January 6, 2013, I started my second Whole 30 program.  I ate like shit over the holidays.  There really isn't much sugar coating that. Combine that with not working out much and drinking way too much great wine, and I was a hot mess.  I was getting daily headaches, my vision was blurry again and I was just feeling super "fuzzy".  Say what you will about Paleo eating, but for me it works.  I feel my best when I cut the processed foods out, even the gluten free ones.  It was really easy to get lax about things, and also REALLY easy for me to use my Digestzen essential oil to "fix" my digestive issues.  That stuff has been a blessing and a curse, because it allows me to be bad with few repercussions.  Obviously, it was all catching up with me since I was getting fuzzy headed again, but lets just say I was enjoying a few too many sandwiches with normal bread.  I paid the price, though, and was seeing numbers on my scale that I hadn't in awhile.  That was enough for me to say "enough!"

So, I decided to clean up my act.

Luckily, for me, I have a friend in town completing a Whole 30, too, and that has been really helpful to have someone to shop (and commiserate) with.  Who knew that Saturday night grocery shopping could be so fun?  Ok, it really wasn't, but at least we are in it together.

Please note that I did not properly prepare myself for this challenge, and spent way too much time going to the grocery store this past week.  I suggest when you decide to do this (and you should) that you really take the time to meal plan every.single.meal.  At least for the first week.  It take a hot minute to get into the groove of cooking this much.

Here is how my week went:

Monday:  The morning was fine!  I even got up at 5:30 and worked out.  I arrogantly thought that this would be an easier experience than last time, but soon would find out that it would not be.  I made it through lunch and the detox started kicking in.  I was hungry and miserable the rest of the day. I fell asleep at 9:30.

Tuesday and Wednesday:  Detox HELL.  I will never do drugs if that is what it feels like to come off of them.  I was seriously shaky, and had a migraine for most of the two days.  I felt like I was going to die.  That is not really exaggerating, either.

Thursday: I felt good again!  I wanted to eat all of the things, though.  I also had a hard time being serious - let's just say nut butter caused me to laugh more than it should have.  I may have been a little delirious still, but I was back in action.  I was, however, super weak still.  I did just come off having a nasty sinus infection, so that in combination with detoxing probably did my body in.

Friday - Sunday:  Good to go!  I meal prepped and planned, went to the grocery store and feel prepared for the week ahead.

Challenges: 1. Detox.  That was a bitch.  I don't remember detoxing so violently last time, but I probably wasn't eating crap like I was, either.  2.  Not planning ahead.  I can't say this enough -- plan ahead.  Just do it.  Cut up your veggies.  Give yourself a chance to make good choices.  3.  Not remembering to keep an emergency Lara Bar available.  Hangry Jenn is not very nice.

This next week will be interesting because my social group has our Happy Hour on Thursday, and there isn't much happy in a glass of water.  It may be the quickest HH I attend, but I'll make it through.  Drinking or not drinking doesn't really bother me a whole bunch, but it does stink at times like that.  Day to day, I'm good.  I don't even think about it, really.

Foods I've eaten:

• Sweet Potato Hash with Eggs (I didn't use the spices typically)
• Balsamic Roast (the recipe is in this past post)
• Grilled steak
• Coconut Lime Chicken

Meals I have planned for this week:

• Buffalo Ranch Stuffed Peppers
• Crock Pot Chipotle Pork Roast
• Balsamic Chicken
• Hawaiian Turkey Burgers
• Cauliflower soup with Sausage

I'm also planning on returning to working out this week.  As of today, I'm down 3 lbs!  That is a big deal for me.  I'm still struggling with sugar cravings, and trying to find things to satiate them.  Sugar is a big deal for me, I can really feel its effects.  I'm not setting any specific goals, number wise, but I did finally take my measurements so I hope to see a change in them!  I have a shirt that will be my guide on that haha!

Anyone else thinking about doing Whole 30 out there?  Its not too late to join in on the fun!  

I fell off the wagon, and it ran me over...

Testing, testing...1, 2, 3...

I guess this thing is still on.

Hi.

So, where were we?  Oh, yes...I think I was in the midst of 1/2 marathon training.  I guess I should catch y'all up on things.

Somewhere in between week three and four of training, I hit a wall.  Not one of those little ones that you can overcome with a little pep talk and some wine, but a full-blown, big ass wall.  I'd printed off my schedule and posted it on the wall in front of me at my desk, and every day I'd look at it really PISSED I had to run AGAIN.  It was hot, I was miserable and it took forever to run just three miles. So, I began to skip workouts.  I'd make the ones I'd do shorter and shorter, never breaking over four miles.  I just didn't have it in me.  I started going to bootcamp and used that as an excuse, that I was too tired to run after having my rear handed to me at 5am.  I just didn't want to do it.  So, I didn't.

I also went off my PCOS medication cold turkey, and I'm still on the fence if that was a good call or not.  A medication that typically helps PCOSers lose weight had me pack on ten pounds in just a few weeks.  I was so mad about that, too, because it takes me forever to lose even one pound.  It just wasn't fair.  I felt better, per se, but I was heavier.  I figured it was probably better to be off meds and lighter than medicated and heavier, so there you go.

Bootcamp was off last week, and I took advantage of sleeping in every morning.  I didn't go to the gym once.  As nice as it was to just not do anything, I can tell by my clothes and pictures that it's probably in my best interest to get my crap together so here I am...publicly stating that I am not going into the holidays fatter than I was last year.

I have lots of fun things planned this fall, and I want to enjoy them by feeling good about myself.  It has been hard juggling all the things I've gotten myself into, along with Sean's school and Sawyer's swim team commitments.  Every week flies by.  I know it will be the holidays soon, and I have 2 5ks I've signed up for and I haven't hit the pavement in a month.  This will be hard, but I can do hard things.  (that's what she said bhahaha)  I've got this.

There ya go, folks.  I hope to hear from you - all the cheers and support really helps me stay on course!
Happy Sunday, y'all! xoxo I'm off to bed soon so I won't die at 4:50am.  Just kidding...sort of...

1/2 Marathon Training - Week 2 (something clicked)

Week 2 - DONE!

I'm pretty sure this Hal Higdon dude is trying to kill me.

I won't lie - I pretty much did week 1 again.  Even though I'm following the "novice" plan, I'm more in tune with my body than I've ever been before and I was hurting.  Not "I'm gonna get over it" pain, but real "I'm gonna injure myself soon" pain.  I just kept wondering when it was going to stop hurting.  No pain, no gain is totally fine - but seriously, it was bad.  I spent a lot of time like this:

That's not really fun.

So, I decided to stop following the rules and I took Friday and Saturday off completely.  I think it was a really good decision.  Today was a great run, and I was 95% pain free through it all!  I did have to kinda limp through the finish because the stupid treadmill timer was set for 38 minute limit and it hit cool down before I was finished.  Just go ahead and mark that down as one more reason I freakin hate Fitness Connection.  I decided to only complete three miles today.  Here is today's time picture:

I feel like it would've been about 3 or so minutes faster had it not hit cool down, but whatever.  I was just happy to not limp off the treadmill for the first time!

Ooohh...so I found this really cool stretching machine today at the gym.  I also have Trainer Sean foam rolling my calves and shins as many times as I can convince him to.  I'm also going to try out some compression sleeves that my sweet friend was kind enough to let me borrow.  I'm determined to figure this out, however many bags of frozen edamame it takes!

1/2 Marathon Training - Week 1

Week 1 is in the books, and it was rough.

I wondered why I was doing this approximately 29,209 times, and every time I came up with the same answer - I just want to say that I did it.  If we are being honest, I'd like that sticker for my car, too.

Is that enough to carry me through 13.1 miles of potential hell?  Sure hope so!  Apparently, that's all I've got for now hahaha.

For those of you curious, I've been following Hal Higdon's Novice 1 Half Marathon Training program. I honestly have no clue who the dude is, and why everyone I asked gave me his program to follow - but, since that is what happened I'm rolling with it.  Monday and Tuesday went GREAT.  Beastmode in the gym, clean eating, lots of water, excellent time on my 3 miler.  I was so like "I got this" that it wasn't even funny.  Annnnddd....then, the shit started hitting the fan.

Our (semi-new) fridge started crapping out on us, and we tried everything we could to fix it on our own.  Cleaning it out, defrosting and airing out didn't fix the problem, so a GE specialist had to pay us a visit.  Lucky us.  Then, as I was getting ready for work on Thursday, a plug caught fire.  If I ever questioned having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I no longer wonder and should probably seek therapy.  The smell along made me lose it.  So very lucky for us that I was home, had great advice to flip the breaker (in the midst of my panic attack), and quickly was visited by one of RJ's electricians (also nice knowing the right people) and he changed it out for me and made me feel safe.  Short of wanting him to rewire out house again, I still feel uneasy with things and haven't slept well thinking about the "what-if's" again.  If any of you have suffered from a fire, you understand what I'm talking about.  It's the worst.

So, with all of that excitement, I still needed to complete another 3 mile run and hopefully clear out my head.  Unfortunately, I decided to do this at 5:15 and probably gave myself heatstroke and felt terrible.  I rested Friday with many thoughts of quitting while I was ahead.  I'm pretty sure Sean thinks I'm crazy for doing this, and I'm not too far behind him in this thinking at any given point.

I got to the gym today, not in the mood and really wishing I was in bed watching more episodes of "Orange is the New Black" (um, such a great series!).  I was in the zone, trying to psych myself up and also trying to find the appropriate "Friday Night Lights" episode I'd been watching, and I heard "Jennifer!  Jennifer!"  Weird.  No one ever calls me that...unless we know each other from High School.  Which, technically, this person and I didn't but...close enough.  I'll leave it with last I heard this person was not my biggest fan, so the fact that they made sure to say hello and ask how I was doing 100% caught me by surprise.  I was so off guard by it that I couldn't get my thinking straight, and cashed out at two miles and sore shins.  I know I should've gone back and done another two this evening, but I just don't have it in me.  I'll let it be.  Start fresh in the morning.

I won't let this Debbie Downer of a post continue on much longer.  I will end on a positive note, and it involves many of my friends that have become my Challenge Buddies.  I truly am so proud and motivated by you all.  It really takes a LOT to commit to something and change your body and your life.  Whatever the path is that you choose, it is a big deal and I love all the emails and texts I've been getting about the positive things happening in your lives.  When I don't want to walk the talk I've been yammering about, I always get an uplifting message that makes me realize that it's going to be ok.  So, CB's, thank you.  You rock.  :)

90 Day Challenge - The First 30 Days

Hi Friends!

I hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July weekend!  I know I did!  It was spent with lots of wonderful friends and was topped off by a family trip to the ranch.  I love having a place to spend time with the kids that isn't four hours away!  It's always a fun getaway.

Not the greatest pic, but the only one I have really from the 4th and it's stolen from P's facebook 

A lot of y'all have been asking me how my challenge has been going, so I thought a little update was in order.  (i'm sorry I haven't been updating my challenge timeline.  I really like that tool, but it's just been a bit nuts and getting on the computer after a long day is just about the last thing I've wanted to do most nights.)

I'm down around 4lbs (yay!) and a dress size!  The super cute dress I wore to the NKOTB concert was a size large and NOTHING I would've ever tried on 10 lbs ago.  I really felt pretty and confident even without m'spray tan on!  Stephanie was on vacation, and I refuse to tan with anyone else.  I'm spoiled.

Anyhoo - I've been pretty steady about drinking two shakes a day.  I updated via Instagram the other day joking how I do still eat food - but I do!  What works for me is a breakfast shake, snack, lunch, another snack, dinner shake with fruit.  It's been a lot easier for me to use that schedule because our evenings tend to be crazier than ever now that Sawyer is on a swim team, and by the time I get back from sitting in a muggy indoor pool area the last thing I want to do is make dinner.  Sean usually whips something up for the boys and I get a minute to relax.  Win/Win.

My strength training has increased, too.  I'm lifting about 10 lbs heavier all the way around than I was when I began, and I'm seeing some definition in my arms finally.  I did tweak my back pretty good doing 60lbs on the row machine, so I think I'll be skipping that for a few weeks (thanks, Becky, for fixing me up today!).  Ab workouts are getting a little less awful to do, and I feel like my leftover baby belly is getting a little more in check.  All in all, I'm seeing results, my energy is up and I feel great.  Go me!

So, in true Jenn form, I've decided to take on one more thing.  That would be the 1/2 Marathon training I've been putting off doing for oooohhhh, about 6 months now.  I thought about keeping it on the DL, but since it's been on the DL the last 6 months and obviously I haven't done anything - I guess it's best to go public with it and make myself accountable to the world.  Now....this is going to be probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  The only good thing I can think about is the fact that once this is over I can go buy my 13.1 sticker.  I'm really nervous about how this will go, and honestly hope the runner's high that you get after a race is worth all the sweat and tears I'm sure I'll shed the next few months.  I've decided to the Honored Hero 1/2 on October 20th.  I know the course, and besides the ridiculous hill at the end, it is pretty flat.  Flat is good.  I also have a dear friend that said she'd run it with me, so I'll have company during my misery.  :)  So, there you have it, village!  Here goes nothing!

I hope you all have a great week, and remember to be kind to yourself.  If you skipped workouts or slipped on eating healthy over the holiday, tomorrow is a new day!  I know I'll be working off a few cider beers, myself! :)  Cheers!

(If you want to learn more about m'shakes - http://jennhutcherson.myvi.net OR hit me up and let me know if you have any questions!  Shake and Bake II is July 16th, come on by if you are local!)