Why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this?

I guess it really should read: Why I am doing this.

I've never been 100% great with sticking with things.  I've been burned one too many times and my Virgo-ness takes over and says "why don't you just kinda hang tight and sit in the middle of the pack where you know you will be safe."  Fear is a constant in my life.  I'm always scared to jump head first into anything, because "what if?"  I really hate that I have that much fear in my life these days.  My need to control things has gotten a bit out of control.

As a child, I was extremely athletic.  I pretty much looked like a boy in most of my pictures growing up because I had my hair slicked back in a pony tail, Umbro shorts on and a seriously oversized shirt hanging to my knees.  As a kid, however, I had no fear.  I did not care about what people thought, or how my actions affected others - good or (sometimes) bad.  I would go out on the soccer field and terrorize anyone that got in my way.  I was also very protective - I would sneak out with my friends at night just to make sure that they got home safely.  I am loyal to a fault, even though I would get burned because of it. I sometimes miss being that girl.  She was kind of badass.

I am not really sure when I started eating a little more, caring a little less.  I have had a few major traumatic events that probably didn't help things, but it was such a gradual weight gain that I honestly didn't really notice.  "You carry your weight well" and "You have such pretty hair" were things I heard a lot, which I now know is code for "Holy shit - you are fucking huge and we don't know how to tell you that."  I can't really blame my friends and family.  Who wants to tell someone they look like shit? I mean, I'll be honest with you when we are shopping that the shirt you tried on is ugly - but to tell someone they are one hamburger away from needing to be on the Biggest Loser?  That is not a fun topic.  So, I get it.  I have people that love me unconditionally.  I'm really lucky.  I'm also lucky that I finally had the ability to look myself in the mirror and say ENOUGH is ENOUGH.

Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one.  I had like 398483 of them.  I didn't have the time.  I didn't have the money.  I didn't have the energy.  My back hurt (this excuse is true.  It does.  See previous post to look at its curvy craziness).  We were too busy with the kids.  Work was a time suck.  Blah blah blah.  It's so stupid, really.  All I was doing was making the bad situation worse.  I just kept gradually buying bigger clothing, mostly in black.  Black hides fat.  Black clothes makes fat invisible - until you see a picture of yourself, and then that fat (and more) magically appears!  It's totally crazy!  I had a lot of friends jumping on the fitness bandwagon, and I was like hell to the no, I was not doing that.  I would always joke that the only chance you would see me run was when someone was chasing me with a knife and even then, I might just give up and let them stab me.  I laughed about it, but inside..I was so sad.  I watched people today at lunch, and it just killed me to see the girl in the corner shoving a hamburger down her throat.  I was that girl...I still am that girl in many ways. I saw how she fidgeted with her too-tight sweater (in black, of course) and never looked comfortable in her skin.   Food is just that, food, but sometimes - it can be so much more.  I never thought it would be for me, but I wasn't immune to the over eating.  The formerly athletic girl had become a rock that never moved...and food became less about being fuel for my body and more about pacifying my mood swings.

So, I'm doing this crazy 30 day cleanse to prove to myself that I can set my mind to something and achieve it.  That food once again can become fun, exciting, and good for me.  That a normal, 30-something mother of two can make the time to be healthy for herself and her family.  If I inspire just ONE person to do the same, then this journey will be worth all of the chopping, dicing, food processing and Paleo eating.  I want to be here for my kids, to show them both that there are other foods than chicken nuggets (even thought E refuses to eat most everything still.  We are working on it).  I want to be here for anyone that thinks it can't be done - to be proof that it can.  I like the change that I see in me.  I bought a size 14 pant today, y'all.  I haven't been in that size since college.  I have a long way to go, but I'm getting there.  So, get ready for another 23 days of food pictures and potential meltdowns.  This ride isn't over anytime soon, but I'm sure glad you are all on it with me.