2 Years

If you guys only knew how many times I tried to write this blog.

I tried to write it immediately, but it was so raw.

I tried to write it after the funeral, but I was so sad.

I tried to write it at the new year, but it still didn't seem real.

I'm trying to write it now, but I am not sure how well it will go.

I'm actually on my fifth (now, 6th) attempt to write this, and it's freaking HARD.

August 16th, 2014 was a gorgeous day, it really was.  Sean and I got to celebrate our anniversary, our 12th, with drinks and a lovely dinner out in Dallas.  We were able to see some friends, enjoy great food and wine and celebrate yet another year of hard work and love.  In the back of my mind I did wonder why I didn't have my normal barrage of pictures from the always awesome ranch party Courtney attended every year, but I didn't think too much about it.  Turns out there is a lot of weird instances from that day.  Hindsight sure is 20/20.

I don't remember life without Courtney in it.  She was truly my first ever friend in life.  I think when you know someone THAT long, time just takes over most anything else.  I have no idea how we met, or what made us like each other.  She lived on a court I was allowed to ride my bike down to, so I guess that's all that it took.  We had so much fun together playing dress up, and talking about boys we thought were cute.  We did different things (I was into soccer, she was into dance), so really no competition there.  We would drive her older brother crazy, and my little brother would, in turn, drive us crazy, too.  We rode bikes, talked about very important things and lived life in a perfect little world.  When her parents decided to move her to Wichita Falls, I felt like a piece of me was lost.  We stayed in touch the best we knew how to, but in the late 80s and early 90s - that was hard to do.  The bi-weekly letters and monthly phone calls slowly trickled to a halt...I'd see a picture or two every Christmas via family cards, but nothing too exciting.  We survived junior high and then high school.  We both were going off to college in the Fall of 1999, and reconnected a little bit before doing so.  Court did call me to tell me she was going to Texas Tech, her dream school since she was a little kid.  I told her I chickened out of pursuing UT after becoming completely overwhelmed by its campus size, and would instead be attending SFA in Nacogdoches.  She gave me a hard time, asking me what in the hell I was going to do in the woods, but we wished each other luck and promised to write emails about our collegiate adventures.  I had no idea what was in store for me, but I had enough material to write a few books so we had plenty to write back and forth about.

During college, her parents decided to move back to Arlington and Court excitedly called me and told me the awesome news.  It happened the summer I was getting married, and she also happened to be home with them the weekend of my bachelorette party, so I quickly invited her to join us in the debauchery.  I'm so glad she did.  I had the most fun that night with her!  We had dinner at Dick's Last Resort, and then we all went back to the hotel room we rented where she made us her new "signature shot", who's name I refuse to type out.  It was quite inappropriate, but she was so proud of this shot and we (ok, they) were all newly 21 so it was fun for us all.  All I know was that it contained blue curacao and bailey's irish cream and it was disgusting!  We didn't have a way to hit the clubs, but thanks to Court's quick thinking we scored an unused limousine and cruised the streets of Dallas all night long.  We luckily found a bar where they didn't check my ID too closely and we danced our hearts out.  I remember wishing this reunion had happened months prior, and how sad I was that she wasn't in my wedding party.  I loved how we literally picked up right where we left off, not letting the years get in the way of our bond.

My wedding came and went, and we settled into married and college life while she returned to Lubbock to finish school.  I had the opportunity to meet some of her best college friends during this time, and I loved them immediately!  I'm not quite sure they knew where to fit me into things at time (me being an "old" friend...married friend...attending another college friend...it's a weird dynamic), but they always made me feel at home with the crew.  I knew they loved her, too, and I loved seeing pictures of their adventures through the years.  They loved the travel!  I always wished I had been able to go (or well...been invited to go hahah), but when you get married at 20 frivolous traveling was out of the question.  One of my greatest regrets is never traveling anywhere with Court, and I hate that we never got to go anywhere together.  She was always going somewhere, I could never keep it straight!

When Court took an internship with the Byron Nelson, I had the chance to see her all of the time.  There wasn't too many weeks that we missed going to Sherlock's or No Frills Grill.  She was a hell of a drinkin buddy.  Never any girl drama, always in for having a good time.  She was the perfect party pal.  She could dance, she could chill, she always had someone new with her to keep the dynamics interesting.  Again, we just had such a good time.  That's what I miss most about Courtney, how fun it was to be her friend.  We kept up these antics until Sean and I finally graduated, and then the adulting started for us.  Having to get up and be somewhere by 8 a.m. was hard, and didn't leave us with many opportunities to hang out with anyone.  We started to see less and less of all of our friends, but with the invention of text messaging and social media, things became a lot easier to stay "in touch".

When I told Courtney I was expecting Sawyer, she was so over the moon excited.  I was pretty much, if not, the first of the friends to have a child, and Courtney loved kids.  She loved Sawyer before she even met him, and made me feel special picking out funny onesies for him to wear and finding the perfect highchair for him to use (which we still have).  She partied down at my baby shower, having the most fun with everyone and the keg, and I remember thinking then what a fun Aunt she will be.  She was one of our first visitors after he arrived and even bought the kid Longhorn gear, gagging the whole time I'm sure.  She also made sure he had equal amounts of Tech "just so he would know her favorite".  As time went on, she would come and pick us up in her convertible Mustang to take us for a spin.  One of my favorite moments in life was driving around in The Oreo (it really wasn't an Oreo, but it was totally pimped out with custom red leather interior) with Sawyer strapped in the back.  The look of pure joy on his face was contagious, and we had so much fun cruising around.  I miss the small moments the most.  When you are the only young mom you know, and life can seem so overwhelming...Court had an uncanny ability to call/text/show up just at the right time and make you laugh.

When I woke up on August 17th, 2014, I was so happy.  It was our special day and I was excited to spend it with my little family.  We headed to church and our traditional lunch afterwards and as proper Methodists - we were waiting for the restaurant (Flying Fish) to open.  My Facebook messenger dinged, which caught me a little off guard on a Sunday morning.  The following message changed my life:

"Sorry to pass this information on a text.  Courtney and her parents died in a plane crash coming home last night." 

It was like the world stopped and all I could hear was the blood rushing to my head.

I asked if they were serious.  Like anyone would joke about something of this magnitude, but it was so surreal to receive this news.  I started shaking and crying and we had to leave the parking lot.  I said there was no way, Debi posted pictures just that morning.  I panicked and spastically called Courtney's cell, willing her to answer me just one last time and crying at the voice telling me to leave a message.

My heart broke into a million and one pieces.

I could barely contain myself to get to Granbury, where I was met by a stunned Stephen and tearful Julie.  I think we said we didn't understand how this could happen approximately 300 times.  I offered my help, which looking back was not helpful at all since I was swiftly on my way to hot mess express, and somehow made the hour long drive back.  I do not know how I made that drive back safely.  I was crying so hard I couldn't see, and shaking so hard I was probably swerving all over the place.  I knew enough to know I couldn't go home because I was in such bad shape, and so I called my friend in a panic and said I need to go there, instead.  I was met with open arms and a water bottle of vodka.  I could've asked for nothing better.  I don't really remember what we talked about, or how long I was actually there.  I was just grateful I had someone listen to me.  She fed me the only food I'd had to eat all day, and I replayed the last 8 hours over and over in my head and rambled about it with an epic amount of word vomit.  If only I knew how painful the next few days would truly be, I probably would have never left that porch.

August 18-22 was so full of confusion, pain, frustration, a need for hugs, and a need for quiet.  When you lose your friend's parent, you are sad.  It, however, feels somewhat natural - it's kind of the circle of life.  You don't really expect to be burying your friends parents at 33, but it's not the weirdest thing to do.  When you are burying your oldest friend PLUS her parents AT THE SAME TIME - there is no guidebook for those uncharted waters.  Never in our long friendship had we ever had the "if I die, this is what I want" conversation, either.  I couldn't even tell you one single thing she for sure would have wanted.  It was so frustrating not to know these things, and it was too late to ask.  We all were grasping at straws, trying to figure out what would be the best way to honor our friend while also trying to make sense of what had happened.  We each had such an unique friendship with Courtney, and everyone loved her the most and wanted only the best.  Somehow I managed to get it together and make it to Friday, thanks to loving friends pitching in with dinners, wine deliveries and love bombing me.  I could not have done it without them.  I braced myself for the inevitable, and woke up Friday with a sense of "Let's do this" and "We can do hard things" (thanks, Glennon).

I didn't really know what to think about meeting up with everyone at No Frills before the viewing.  It was almost impossible to keep a cohesive thought in my brain, let alone make small talk with those whom I hadn't seen in various lengths of time.  I was the "old friend" again - possibly the one they could've shoved out of the circle and my insecurities began to swirl about.  Luckily, I had nothing to worry about.  Turns out this crew has been a support system like no other, beautifully understanding the ups and downs that comes with losing loved ones.  I was enveloped into the group like I had always been there, and we laughed and laughed telling story after story.  I still laugh about the one I contributed, which happened shortly before the accident, and involved a few people I won't name on this blog.  If that's my last memory of Court, it was a good one.  She always made me laugh, and I was and am so grateful to have her friends to continue the laughter with.

So, here we are two years later.  So many things have changed in my life, I can hardly keep track.  I do feel like I'm finally at peace, though, which is a good feeling after feeling so overwhelmed for so long.  Someone described grief to me as a storm, and it is so true.  At first, it's like a hurricane with 60ft waves coming at you one after another.  You feel like you are drowning, and you can never catch your breath.  It calms down after awhile, but will stir up again at the weirdest moments over the most random things.  You will melt down over the stupidest of things, and your only excuse is that you miss your friend.   You will hit rough waters again on milestones, but your new normal becomes just the way.  Those waves become ripples in the water, but are still profound enough to make you stop and pay attention.  I don't wish this experience on anyone, but I've learned a lot from it and don't take days and friendships for granted.  It's been one of the most intense moments of my life, and I hope I've become a better person because of it.  I became a Tech fan at the very least, which I know makes everyone laugh as they watch the pigs fly by.  I guess anything can happen if you let it.

I miss ya, Court.  You were the best friend.  Thank you.