Don't Dismiss Me.

This will be a rant, so you are officially warned.

I had my scoliosis specialist visit and I have NEVER felt so disrespected in my life.

I had such peace about today, and I really felt pretty good about it all.  I'd done a significant amount of research and really was ready to sit down and talk to someone and decide a plan of action.  Anyone that knows me, knows how much I love a good plan.  It's how I roll.  I need one, and I need all the people to have one, too.  I was ready to plan today, and to finally figure out how to tackle the problem that is my back (my neck, my back...my neck and my back).

The appointment started off on a rather sour note.  My chiropractic office gave me x-rays that were from 2012, thus rendering them null and void for usage today.  I was and still am VERY upset by this.  Their mistake cost me not only almost $300, but more importantly required me to have another set of x-rays taken.  If you have been keeping count, that would be the third set in less than six weeks (along with a CT scan, too).  I am in no way against x-rays, but I am against the repeated exposure to radiation.  I have had 6 shots done total, and I just feel like that is way too much.  I have expressed my severe displeasure to my chiro office and am waiting to see how they respond.  This is a very serious mistake in my book, and one that I need some sort of restitution on.

So, there was that. I had another round of 'ray's, and sat and waited...and waited...and waited.  We waited almost an hour, and only then did the P.A. come in.  He was so nice, and attentive, and really was listening to me and my story.  I know I'm a weird case - has ANYTHING ever gone normally for me (the answer to that is noppppeee).  I just want someone to listen to me, because I have a lot to say and it all matters.  That's not being an asshole, that's just the truth.  The P.A. was doing a pretty good job and it and then the door flew open.

Dr. H, or whom I presumed to be Dr. H since he couldn't be bothered to introduce himself, came flying through the door and interrupted our conversation.  He started with "I heard you were in a car accident".  Well, yes, I said, I was, but that isn't the whole reason I'm here...at a scoliosis specialist.  He said, "Well, the scoliosis didn't just pop up overnight, so I guess that wasn't a surprise."  Um...thanks Captain Obvious - we all know this crooked back didn't just happen because I slept wrong.  I'm sitting there dumbfounded, really confused by this terrible man's horrendous bedside manner when he goes into "Well, your 40 degree curve isn't something I'll be concerned with, so let's just get you some painpills and send you on your way."

Pump.  The. Brakes.

I'm going to digress just a little bit, but THIS IS WHY AMERICA HAS AN EFFING PILL PROBLEM.

This man, who knows nothing about me and that I bet couldn't pick me out of a lineup, just gave me the keys the to the pain pill kingdom. Just like that.  Never looked a chart, didn't ask any questions, nothing.  He also prescribed Flexeril, which is an extremely potent muscle relaxer.  I've already been prescribed that once before, and spent the next three days in a complete haze because of it.  I can't take it and also participate in life, there is just no way.  Mom and I both were like, are you serious?!  Last time I took that stuff, I slept upwards of 18 hrs a day!  Not really conducive to being a wife, mom, employee...I'd be in bed asleep!

I'm in tears at this point, crying and saying "but...I can't walk?  I'm having a hard time functioning? This can't be normal for a 32 year old woman."  I was told that the pills would help, and that he couldn't believe I wasn't on anything already.  Like I was crazy for wanting to try and do things without drugs.

I was so mad, and it took every ounce of my being not to lose my shit.  I mean, it really took a LOT.  I felt so hurt and dismissed.  How is someone who doesn't know me going to tell me that my curve isn't worth being concerned by.  Do you have a curvy back?  Do you struggle to chase your kids?  Do you want to spend more time than normal in your bed because it's just easier?  I am going to guess he doesn't.  This is not a situation where being told to rub some dirt on it and get back in the game is going to be sufficient.  I did not take off work, spend my time and money and drag my mother along to have some asshole not help me.

After he felt annoyed by our drug questions (which I don't plan on taking unless it just gets unbearable, and even then - I am just not sure), he flippantly said I should get some PT and waltzed out of the room, probably off to check on a patient that has a bigger, more important curve.

The P.A. wrapped up stuff, but I don't really remember what he said.  I was just so frustrated I was leaving there without a thing - a reason for the pain, a way to help, nothing.  Even the stupid receptionist was a bitch about things.  I'm sorry that I live in Arlington, heaven forbid I would like to see a PT out there.  It was just all around a mess.

So...I'm basically where I was yesterday, except I have a diagnosed insignificant curve not worth anyone's concern and $527 more broke.  I'm pissed, hurt, frustrated and most of all just tired.  It makes me so mad that someone could be so mean.  I am not a hypochondriac.   This is real, and it really needs to be fixed.  I don't want surgery, that is the last resort for me. I just want to get back to life.

My mother in law has a plan for me, and now I just need to get down to Salado and meet with the guy she says will change my life.  That is tentatively planned for a few weeks, so that's the new plan.  Until then, my insignificant curve and I will keep on keepin' on...that's all we can do.  Please understand that right now I'm not in a really great place, and I'm trying to keep my head above water.

but...you look fine?

I am a horrible blogger.  Life, in all of its beautiful craziness, has taken over and I've been doing my best to take it all in.

If you missed my over postings via Facebook and Instagram, here is the Cliff's Notes version of the last four months:

• Sean and I decided to take a trip to Vegas for a friends wedding, which prompted me to start #projectvegas - an all out attempt to get in shape and be super hot for Sin City.
• This all out attempt was thwarted by several illnesses, but I was able to log in on average 4-6 workouts a week with intense weight sessions.  I was seeing results and feeling really good about things.  
• On April 1, I was involved in a hit and run accident which scored me a sweet ride in the ambulance, a short visit to Arlington Memorial and a migraine that lasted well over a week.
• From that accident, I have suffered from intense back and neck pain daily/hourly/to the minute.  
• On April 11th, we did make that trip to Vegas.  It was rough, but I wouldn't trade seeing my friend get married for anything!  I just really had a rough time with the walking/standing.  It was not my favorite vacation.
• I've begun chiropractic/PT care, but have decided to visit with a scoliosis specialist to visit the all scary back surgery.  This is the part where I want to vomit everywhere.

I hate being the victim.  I actually dislike reading about people who paint themselves as the victim, too, so that's a big reason why I haven't said much about the pain I've been in.  It's bad, y'all.  It is all day, errrr day and it's affecting my daily life.  It makes me a huge bitch, very short tempered, extremely emotional and probably borderline unstable at times.  Actually, it's somewhat similar to how I behaved on all those fertility drugs I had to take a few years back, so if you remember that - I'm sorry.  It's a roller coaster of emotions that I have yet to get a hold over.  A friend Monday night said her husband told her to "lock it down" (when referencing her tears due to her emotional thank you speech), and I should probably take that advice at times, too.  I'm trying to be as honest as possible with the ones that I love, because I can be extremely short and no one has ever accused me of being overly sweet to begin with.  It most likely has nothing to do with you (or maybe it does?  Don't be an asshole haha), and I just caution all that you never know what you will get.

For those who don't know, I suffer from scoliosis.  Most people don't know this about me because I just haven't really said much about it.  Most cases (like mine) are caused by unknown reasons, and I have a pretty severe "S" curve in my back. I believe my top curve is around 40 degrees, and the lower one around 30 degrees in the opposite direction.  My right shoulder slumps down significantly, and one of my hips is higher than the other.  With all of that said, at first glance you probably wouldn't notice how out of whack I am.  I've adapted quite nicely over the past 15 years or so, and I am "lucky" that I don't look crazy...yet.  I have noticed, however, that things are changing a little more rapidly than I'd prefer.  The car accident on April 1 didn't help anything, either.  

What I am dealing with is a true disability, but an "invisible" one.  It is really hard for me to use the word disability, but it is the best term I can come up with.  Since the accident, my pain level has gone up.  I can't pick up the kids, I can't sit in a chair, I have difficulties walking after only a few minutes and working out has slown down to only include riding the recumbent bike.  I'm having a hard time with this whole situation.  I worked my butt off to lose weight and become more active with the kids, and now I can't do much of anything.  I finally decided to meet with a scoliosis specialist, because I am at my wits end.

So, the specialist visit.  I have thought about this visit for years.  With a 40 degree curve up top, and an almost 30 degree curve the other direction in my lower spine, it was only a matter of time before I started feeling the way that I do.  The car accident sure didn't help anything, either.  I felt like I was managing it ok with working out consistently, but I can hardly do anything other than ride the stupid bike.  I'm eating Advil like they are skittles, and really feeling no relief.  I'm good if I take a hydrocodone or two, but I'll also be asleep for 18 hrs that day so I can't do that very often.  I found a blog about a young girl that had this surgery (Her Scoliosis Journey) and cried reading the whole thing.  I can relate to pretty much everything she's gone through, and see that if I don't do something soon it will only get worse.  This surgery is so serious, though.  It will change everything.  I have tears in my eyes just typing those words.  I have no idea what the doctor will say, but I keep preparing myself for "you need to do it".  Those are some big words.

This surgery doesn't affect just me, either.  Sean..my mom...my kids...my work...my life.  This changes everything for them, too.  How do you make a decision that huge, with the possible outcome of death/paralysis?  It's just so insane.  My initial recovery, just to get out of bed, would be around six months.  SIX MONTHS.  What.the.hell.  On the flip side, what if I give up these six months and get my life back?  I've read about girls training for marathons after this surgery.  Now, I'm pretty sure I just don't want to do that in general - but I could if I wanted to after this surgery!!!  I guess I just hope to have a clearer picture of the whole situation next week after my visit.  I need a plan.

I'll leave you with this...please, if you pray (or if you don't, just send up a shout out anyway), can you send some good ones up for me?  My visit is next Wednesday.  Also, please pray for my sweet family - they sure don't deserve to deal with this, but they are doing so with tremendous understanding and grace.  I am very lucky to have them.  Also, huge thanks to my friends for understanding and loving me through this, too.  I know I'm a lot to deal with on a good day, and I appreciate you very much.