Wednesday, May 7, 2014

but...you look fine?

I am a horrible blogger.  Life, in all of its beautiful craziness, has taken over and I've been doing my best to take it all in.

If you missed my over postings via Facebook and Instagram, here is the Cliff's Notes version of the last four months:

  • Sean and I decided to take a trip to Vegas for a friends wedding, which prompted me to start #projectvegas - an all out attempt to get in shape and be super hot for Sin City.
  • This all out attempt was thwarted by several illnesses, but I was able to log in on average 4-6 workouts a week with intense weight sessions.  I was seeing results and feeling really good about things.  
  • On April 1, I was involved in a hit and run accident which scored me a sweet ride in the ambulance, a short visit to Arlington Memorial and a migraine that lasted well over a week.
  • From that accident, I have suffered from intense back and neck pain daily/hourly/to the minute.  
  • On April 11th, we did make that trip to Vegas.  It was rough, but I wouldn't trade seeing my friend get married for anything!  I just really had a rough time with the walking/standing.  It was not my favorite vacation.
  • I've begun chiropractic/PT care, but have decided to visit with a scoliosis specialist to visit the all scary back surgery.  This is the part where I want to vomit everywhere.

I hate being the victim.  I actually dislike reading about people who paint themselves as the victim, too, so that's a big reason why I haven't said much about the pain I've been in.  It's bad, y'all.  It is all day, errrr day and it's affecting my daily life.  It makes me a huge bitch, very short tempered, extremely emotional and probably borderline unstable at times.  Actually, it's somewhat similar to how I behaved on all those fertility drugs I had to take a few years back, so if you remember that - I'm sorry.  It's a roller coaster of emotions that I have yet to get a hold over.  A friend Monday night said her husband told her to "lock it down" (when referencing her tears due to her emotional thank you speech), and I should probably take that advice at times, too.  I'm trying to be as honest as possible with the ones that I love, because I can be extremely short and no one has ever accused me of being overly sweet to begin with.  It most likely has nothing to do with you (or maybe it does?  Don't be an asshole haha), and I just caution all that you never know what you will get.

For those who don't know, I suffer from scoliosis.  Most people don't know this about me because I just haven't really said much about it.  Most cases (like mine) are caused by unknown reasons, and I have a pretty severe "S" curve in my back. I believe my top curve is around 40 degrees, and the lower one around 30 degrees in the opposite direction.  My right shoulder slumps down significantly, and one of my hips is higher than the other.  With all of that said, at first glance you probably wouldn't notice how out of whack I am.  I've adapted quite nicely over the past 15 years or so, and I am "lucky" that I don't look crazy...yet.  I have noticed, however, that things are changing a little more rapidly than I'd prefer.  The car accident on April 1 didn't help anything, either.  

What I am dealing with is a true disability, but an "invisible" one.  It is really hard for me to use the word disability, but it is the best term I can come up with.  Since the accident, my pain level has gone up.  I can't pick up the kids, I can't sit in a chair, I have difficulties walking after only a few minutes and working out has slown down to only include riding the recumbent bike.  I'm having a hard time with this whole situation.  I worked my butt off to lose weight and become more active with the kids, and now I can't do much of anything.  I finally decided to meet with a scoliosis specialist, because I am at my wits end.

So, the specialist visit.  I have thought about this visit for years.  With a 40 degree curve up top, and an almost 30 degree curve the other direction in my lower spine, it was only a matter of time before I started feeling the way that I do.  The car accident sure didn't help anything, either.  I felt like I was managing it ok with working out consistently, but I can hardly do anything other than ride the stupid bike.  I'm eating Advil like they are skittles, and really feeling no relief.  I'm good if I take a hydrocodone or two, but I'll also be asleep for 18 hrs that day so I can't do that very often.  I found a blog about a young girl that had this surgery (Her Scoliosis Journey) and cried reading the whole thing.  I can relate to pretty much everything she's gone through, and see that if I don't do something soon it will only get worse.  This surgery is so serious, though.  It will change everything.  I have tears in my eyes just typing those words.  I have no idea what the doctor will say, but I keep preparing myself for "you need to do it".  Those are some big words.

This surgery doesn't affect just me, either.  Sean..my mom...my kids...my work...my life.  This changes everything for them, too.  How do you make a decision that huge, with the possible outcome of death/paralysis?  It's just so insane.  My initial recovery, just to get out of bed, would be around six months.  SIX MONTHS.  What.the.hell.  On the flip side, what if I give up these six months and get my life back?  I've read about girls training for marathons after this surgery.  Now, I'm pretty sure I just don't want to do that in general - but I could if I wanted to after this surgery!!!  I guess I just hope to have a clearer picture of the whole situation next week after my visit.  I need a plan.

I'll leave you with this...please, if you pray (or if you don't, just send up a shout out anyway), can you send some good ones up for me?  My visit is next Wednesday.  Also, please pray for my sweet family - they sure don't deserve to deal with this, but they are doing so with tremendous understanding and grace.  I am very lucky to have them.  Also, huge thanks to my friends for understanding and loving me through this, too.  I know I'm a lot to deal with on a good day, and I appreciate you very much.   

2 comments:

  1. I didn't realize you were going through so much right now. Sending lots of prayers your way. And try to stay positive. Have faith that God has a plan!

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  2. Oh goodness, girl. I'm SO glad you popped in to say hello, but I hate that you're having to live in so much pain. I can imagine how difficult it must be to try and weigh your options at this point and what a stressor that must be -- on top of the pain itself! Thinking about you and praying that you'll get some clarity at your visit. And that you'll have some more good days.

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