The Pursuit of Happyness

Have you ever seen The Pursuit of Happyness? I laugh when they are talking about "Happyness" being spelled wrong, but the F-bomb being spelled right. Right now I kind of feel like my "happyness" is spelled wrong, too. I do have the F-bomb spelled right, though. At least I have one thing going for me.

I can't freely write about how I feel today, because the layers are just too deep for this blog. So, I'll talk about friendship since that has been a topic of discussion lately.

Friendship is always an interesting conversation - what it means, how to have one, how to maintain one, when to walk away from a toxic situation. I'll be the first to say I'm not perfect, and if anyone thinks I'm trying to be let me correct you right now. To love and be loved are the basic emotions I have about friendship. I feel like it should be that simple, but it rarely is and that annoys me. It used to frustrate me to the core, but in my old age (ha, still younger than Sean) I feel like I've learned to let things go a lot more than I used to. I honestly don't really have an opinion on much anymore and basically go by the old "if you are happy, so am I" for most things concerning my friends. My life, personally, is deep enough and I don't want to get involved with much else. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I am sick and tired of having one-sided relationships that disappoint me in the end. I learned the value in true friendships during our house fire, and once again when I got sick. I feel like I'm getting a handle on having friends as an adult, and that the true value lies in quality and no longer in quantity. I know there is still the little girl inside, though, that just wants to be understood. Whenever I get frustrated by someone, I just remind myself that there is always a backstory, and to be kind even though I just want to be like WTF. So...I guess lately I've just reverted into myself a bit and just wanted to concentrate on what is best for me. You can only give so much of yourself before you have nothing left.

With all of that said, I love a good love story. I love learning more about people, hanging out with people who "knew me when", and spending time with families that get along with mine. Its the best when someone says that we should hang out, and then makes plans to make it happen. Spending time doesn't have to require a lot of pre-planning in my book. Some of the most fun I have had has been spontaneous. So, what type of friend am I? I'm sure anyone reading this can probably weigh in on this for me, but I hope I'm a good one. I know I'm honest, which may or may not be awesome all of the time. I am a fabulous shopping buddy, and I will for sure tell you if that dress makes your butt look big. I do love a good gossip session, and have no problem laughing at myself because I can be ridiculous. I want to inspire people to live the best life possible. It's a "brutiful" (thanks for that word, Glennon) time right now, but I see the good. It's there. I know it. I just want to know how to embrace it better.

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My big return to racing is happening this week, in four days to be exact.  I go back and forth between excited and worried.  I've been focusing a lot more on strength training than anything else, and I don't even think I've run a full mile yet without stopping.  I know it won't be the end of the world if I have to walk, and hell - I might be faster if I do.  I am about 15 or so pounds lighter than I was last time I ran a race, so I'm curious to see how that will feel 3 miles in.  My very last post-op check up is Thursday, and I'm excited to officially put that part of my life in the past.  I had a moment the other day when I did too much and paid the price, so that sucked.  I am just still so, so, so grateful that I found the right doctor at the right time.  Just so thankful.  So, with my best friend and Coach Misty in tow, I will make Sunday the best yet.  I just hope I get a decent race picture out of it this time!  

Finish the Sentence with Holly and Jake

Hi Friends -

I've been diligently working in Quickbooks for days now.  I have seriously listened to every.single.song I have on my Spotify.  This is my quick lunch break from all things accounting!

Here we go:

1. I laughed so hard I cried when Sawyer told me he peed on his new medal he won in the art competition yesterday.  Seriously.  This child kills me every day with the crazy shit he does.

2. My high school is down the street and I drive past it almost daily.  I didn't really appreciate the experience back then, but looking back I had some really good times at AHS.  I was recently back on campus (my company was building a new concession stand for the football team) and it was really weird...

3. It really pisses me off when people are flakey.  I am not going to beg you to be my friend/do something/have fun.  Ain't nobody got time for that, either.

4. In ten years I will have been married for over 20.  Mind.is.blown.

5. If I could erase one thing I'd probably redo my love for slicked back ponytails and umbro shorts back in the day.  I really looked like a weird boy running around...

6. In 1999, I graduated high school and started my Freshman year at Stephen F. Austin.  It was a big year full of even bigger mistakes and learning experiences.

7. Honestly, I'm friggin overwhelmed by my job and scared I'm making a ton of mistakes.  I don't like not knowing how to do something.

8. To me, Sushi is a treat, but not something I eat often.  

9. Someone really needs to invent cheap lipo.  I've got a few areas that could use a touchup.

10. The first time I drank alcohol, it was Peach Schnapps and it was with Stacey.  It still makes me laugh!

11. The one question I would ask God is why my brother has to be the way that he is.  My heart is broken by him and his choices.  

12. Lindsay Lohan needs to get her shit together.  Period.  

Back to the grind!  Cheers!

Running

Running is a safe place for me.  It's a time for me to forget about all the stuff I have going on, and to focus on the here and now.  It's a time where I zone out, think about the friends I haven't checked in with, wonder about the friends I've lost touch with, randomly remember that it's Teacher Appreciation WEEK (yes, week) and that I have bought nothing for Sawyer to bring to his teacher.  When I'm training for a race, even one as lame as a local 5k, I take it seriously and listen to my body and take special care of my shins and back so I can push myself further because I love it.  Running sets me free.

I've decided to hang my bibs up in my office.  I'm hoping to one day have this wall full!

I can't imagine being in that zone, my safe and sacred running zone, and suddenly find myself in the middle of an explosion.

I won't lie - I felt like I was watching scenes from 9/11.  People wandering around with dazed looks, screaming horrible sounds that didn't sound human, and the chaos that was all around the finish line was all to familiar.  It just hit home to the 20 year old girl that watched two towers crumble and life change in the blink of an eye. Finding out that one of the dead was an 8 year old child gave me chills, and brought tears to my eyes because I know that their life was cut short by someone else's selfishness.  Why anyone thought to do something as horrific as this blows my mind.  It has rocked the country, and more intimately the running world.  Runners, as I'm finding out, are a special crew.  I'm a newbie and by no means earned my spot at the front of the starting line, but it's mine and I own it more than I ever thought possible.  Its the simple nod when you pass someone while running the trails, or the look you give to your neighbor as you are hopping off a particularly long run on the treadmill and they are about to start.  We all start at the same place and end up there, too - so proud to pound the pavement, and love chasing the runner's high again and again.  I can't wrap my head around running a marathon, and at this moment in time have no aspirations in doing so, but my hat is tipped to those who have.  If I break down and ugly cry after a simple 5k, I don't know what in the hell would happen after running 26.2.  It just breaks my heart that someone ruined that moment for so many people.  People who gave up sleeping in, seeing their kids right after work, and weekend soccer games so they could get their long runs in.  Dedication, determination and now redemption is what is needed for 2014.  Prayers tonight and every night for those who loved and lost today in Boston.

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I just want it to be easy.

I'm sorry guys, I know it's been a long time since I've posted.

Honestly, I haven't known what to write.

I don't want this to be a negative space, but that's kind of where I've been the last few weeks.  Frustration has set in because I haven't seen the changes I want to see and the only person I can blame is myself.

Diet, for me, is crucial.  It's also the first thing I throw out the window when the going gets tough.  Between genetics (thanks, birth parents), PCOS, and this weird gluten thing I have going it's harder than hell to make the damn scale move.  I've been stress eating and struggling to find my routine of working out.  There just never seems to be enough time in the day.  I knowingly eat something that has gluten in it because it is easy, and then I spend the rest of the day paying for it in one way or another.  It's just dumb, and breaking the cycle is a daily challenge.

So in a nutshell, I've been mad that I haven't hit One-derland.  It was my goal to be out of the 200s before the New Year, but with all the weird medical crap I had go down, I never made it.  I porked up quite nicely, lost a bunch of it on Whole 30 and have since maintained anywhere from 203-208, depending on a few factors.  I know I look thinner because I can tell clothes fit better than ever, but I just have this issue with my scale not having a number that reflects how I feel!  A stupid machine shouldn't dictate how I feel about myself, but it does.  I should break up with the stupid thing, but last time I did that I gained a shit ton of weight so I'm not so sure that is the best course of action.  Can I send my scale to live somewhere else for awhile?  Any takers?

I start complaining to my bestie about all of this, and I got this text back:

Damn.  She is right.  She is so freakin right.

She's the best best friend a girl could ever have, and that was exactly what I needed to hear.

So, I guess my pity party is ohhh-vaaah - I'm sorry none of y'all could make it.

Moving along...

Did you know it was possible to stay on the elliptical for an hour??  I mean, I've seen the time start for that long, but I didn't know it was actually something I could do.  It was a mind blowing experience, for sure.  I think I told Spike he was crazy, but who knew?  It can be done!  Here is the proof (and I promise I did stay on those last 32 seconds):

Speaking of Spike (sorry, buddy, I just can't remember to call you Selase), I'm so glad I finally called him for help (and somewhat kicking myself for not doing it a long time ago) and have really enjoyed working out with him once a week with my momma.  I just never work out as hard as I should on my own.  This will sound stupid, but there is just so many things to remember and when I am at the gym I don't want to do a whole lot of thinkin'.  I like that Spike remembers it for me because sometimes I get  a bit blonde and forget what I'm supposed to do (I know, shocker).  I do, however, think he sneaks in extra reps when I space out...but, since I can't remember there isn't any way to catch him.  He's good, that Spike...

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm going to get back out there and rock it.  Thank you, village, for reaching out to me in the most random ways and encouraging me to keep going!  I won't let you down, I promise! :)  Cheers!