Word of 2013 - FAITH

I know I say this every year, but I really can't believe another year has gone by.  I go back and forth between being totally ready and sad to see another one gone.  I always get nostalgic looking back at all that has happened, too.  I doesn't seem possible that this time last year, Sawyer was only 4 and Everett barely 1.  They seem so old now, and still so little all at the same time.

I have so much to be thankful for, as all of us do, and I won't bore you with lists of the usual suspects. I think we all know I'm so grateful for my family, friends, job and overall heath and "happyness" (I love that book).  It started off a trying year, but I really think we finished up strong.  I saw lots of friends, travelled to two cities I'd never been to, ran my 1st 5k (and my second, and walked my third - boo) and lost 30 pounds.    We celebrated 10 years of marriage with an amazing trip, and spent a lot of time together that I feel was quality time.  I watched my boys turn five and two, and am amazed by them every day.  Sawyer's personality is bigger and funnier every passing day, and Everett's seriousness is a lovely compliment to it.  They really balance each other out, and love each other fiercely.  I love watching them together, and I pray that they stay close over the years.

I guess what I'm most nervous about is starting my Whole 30 project in a few days.  I refuse to call it a diet, because that word always gets me into trouble.  I wish I could fast forward 30 days to see the transformation and feel the results, but just like everything else I have to do the work first.  It seems simple enough.  Eat clean foods.  Don't cheat.  Lose cravings/weight/food issues.  Feel better!  I know I will go through my honeymoon phase, the grumpy phase, the annoyed this won't end phase and then will hit my stride just as the 30 days are up.  I'm praying this will jump start my weight loss again, help me lose the 4 (or 5 or shit...6) pounds that have crept back on me during the holidays and maybe 10 or so more.  I've already got a jump start on the no grains since going GF, but it will be a real challenge for me to prep ahead and make sure I don't leave myself in compromising positions that lead to bad food choices.  I just pray this is the answer to my lingering digestive issues and gives me strength in my workouts.  I've had a nagging injury that I won't go into detail about because it's ridiculous and pisses me off, but I'm also hoping this will help that, too.

All of this brings me to my word of 2013 - Faith.  Faith has a lot of meaning to me.  It was my name before I was adopted.  It gives you something to hold on to when things are hard.  It's very definition is "complete trust or confidence in someone or something."  You just gotta have faith.  Whatever your belief system is, it has to be rooted in this very word.  James 1:3 says "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance".  I have faith in myself to become a better person, wife, mother and friend.  I have faith that I can continue this journey of weight loss and self discovery.  I have faith that my support system will hold me up and keep me accountable when things go wrong or I don't want to work hard.  I have faith in love.  I have faith in God that he will forgive me when I screw up (again and again...and we all know, again).  Faith, Hope and Love - it is what it is all about.

So, that's it.  Bring it, 2013.  I don't have a clue what is in store for me, but I'm pumped to see what happens.

I raise my glass to you, my village.  Cheers!

Whomp whomp...

This post will be about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Good (Because it is nice to start positively):  I got an Ipad today!  Quite possibly the coolest thing since sliced bread.  I really do have the most ah-maz-ing boss, and am so thankful for everything he has done for me and my family this past year!  It's been a good one.

Good:  My mommy and daddy bought me the glass that goes in my cabinet doors for Christmas and they were installed Tuesday!  It looks great, and I love such a thoughtful gift.  It was a total oversight - I guess I just thought they "came" with glass and I never asked about it until way after we moved back home.  Turns out, you have to like pick that stuff out and whatnot, and I had NO idea.  Whoops!  Being the cheap ass that I can be, I just never got around to shopping for it.  Leave it to my mother to think of such a good gift!  She's the best.

Bad:  I think I have injured myself.  ouch.

Bad:  I don't wanna workout.  I want to sleep.

Ugly: me, trying on pants I was PROMISED would fit from this online boutique.  le sigh.  This is why I order nothing online.  waste.of.time.

Good (Ending strong, y'all!): My friends are all getting into town or are already here.  I love the holidays.  Tis the Season!!!!!

The Mayans were WRONG and other ramblings...

12-12-12 - this is a pretty cool day!  Almost as cool as 11-11-11, and 10-10-10!  Facebook tells me I'll never see another day numbered like this, so I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

I love the holidays because everyone has parties and I get to see all my super awesome friends.  My friends can throw down like no other, and I think I still have the rum hangover to prove it.  I love all the food, drinks, crazy conversations and the new friends that come out of these gatherings.  Living the GF way has saved me on more than one occasion from eating stuff I shouldn't (which probably caused me to drink too much, but that is another story), giving me the first holiday season in awhile that I have yet to gain weight (fingers crossed).  However, I did let EVERYONE in a 20 yard radius know that I WANTED to eat the cupcake and and how NOT FAIR it was that I couldn't.  Misery loves company, duh.  Luckily, I have some super stellar friends that rock, and they hooked me up with some tasty GF treats that were perfect!  They also had cranberry rum and mixed with ginger ale, I may have found my new happy place/nemesis.

I'm sitting at 209 right now, and my hopes of breaking out of the 200s is slowly getting harder to attain before New Years Eve.  Sure, I could crash diet and eat air and drink water, but that sounds super lame so I'll just keep at my turtle pace and hope I lose all of this weight before I'm 40.  I'm about all out of pants that fit AGAIN, and yet I am having the hardest time purchasing more.  I also keep going to the fatty section of m'store (Target) and throwing things into my cart that is about 2-3 sizes too big without even thinking about it.  I had to go shop on the "other side" and checked the tag twice on the pants that I eventually bought because I wanted to make sure I didn't read it wrong.  It's a weird mind game, and I can only imagine how weird it will be when I lose another 30.  I'll be HS skinny and that thought alone blows.my.mind.

I guess that is it...oh wait...one more thing...

So, did I tell you about the time I almost did a 1/2 marathon with 4 days notice?  No?  Well, true story - that almost did happen.  I then began to think about the fact that I haven't ever even WALKED 13.1 miles, so maybe trying to run/walk them wouldn't be the best of ideas.  I had a dream that I ran the entire thing and woke up smiling...and from then on I have wanted that 13.1 sticker on my car.  So, looks like I'm going to buckle down and train this old lady butt to run for over two hours straight.  I woud like to do one in April or May, and I think that gives me enough time to properly train and prepare for the ridiculous amounts of running I'm about to do.  I don't see myself being a marathoner, and Dr. Cindy advised against me doing one, anyway (whew - valid excuse, thank you!), but I want that damn sticker. Who is this person???

Denial...not just a river in Egypt

Early Evening Ramblings:

When am I ever going to learn that being GF isn't just a passing fad for me?  I was making banana bread for the kids and decided to have a taste...or three...and almost instantly, I felt awful.  It's weird - the symptoms are similar, but can vary by intensity.  One of two things go down when I eat gluten.  I either feel like I'm getting the flu - all achy, head pounding, almost immediate loss of appetite or I get "glutenized" and blow up like the Blueberry Girl on Willy Wonka.  It also depends on what time of day it is, which I think is weird.  If I slip up early morning, I can usually make it through with no real issues.  If I eat something bad past say three or four p.m., it is game over.  Tonight, I was hit with the flu-like symptoms off of three bites of freaking banana bread.  I'm tired of trying to make sense of it all.  It gives me tired head.  I just need to get over it and quit testing it.

Whenever I get tired, cranky and think "what's the point" of this whole working out thing, I always get a message from someone random that inspires and motivates me to keep going.  Really strange...so, thanks, Village, you totes have my back on this.  :)  You might have to push that back (and ass) into the gym a few more times a week, but I'm glad you are there.

I'm a terrible gift-giver.  The pressure always gets to me and I always feel like it wasn't the right present, I didn't spend enough, etc.  I always get super excited when I find what I feel like is the "perfect" present for someone...and then freak out when I start thinking about their reaction.  Does anyone else do this?  I want to be "that" person so bad, the one that always has the perfect gift.  My friend Bethanye is so good at that.  You can say a very, very offhanded comment that means NOTHING at the time and somehow she can take that comment, store it in her brain, and then remember it for Christmas.  I account her not having children yet in having this ability.  Children take that part of your brain away while you are pregnant, and you never get it back.  EVER.

Speaking of children, my baby asked to go potty today and WENT!  I'm pretty sure that means I need to get on the potty-training bandwagon.  I'm positive I'm still recovering from post-traumatic stress potty training Sawyer, so I hope y'all will excuse my less-than-enthusiastic attitude towards this milestone.  I still can't get over the fact that I slipped and fell into a puddle of pee and busted my knee while training Sawyer.  And let's not forget the dinosaur turd/shit-splosion incident when I was on bed rest.  I just am not sure I have in me quite yet.

I've watched Puss n Boots 139 times and yet, I've never seen the whole movie.

Thankful

I'll be honest...I kinda think the Thankful Days of November posts on Facebook are a beating.  I know, I know - I'm a Scrooge!  I just think it's a bit silly to announce all the things you are (obviously or maybe just should go without saying) thankful for.

With that said, I am thankful for a few things I wasn't this time last year:

I'm so thankful for the past few years.  They have been hard.  They have been full of challenges that I have failed at.  They have been not without heartache.  They tested me more than I really felt like it was fair.  But, I am so glad for all of those failures...because I wouldn't have learned the lessons I did, found out who my true friends are and learned to make better choices in the future.  I'm so glad for the heartache, because I think it just stretched my heart so it could be more full.  I'm glad for all the tests because even though I'm a terrible test taker and I suffer from extreme test anxiety, I think I've passed most of them and have a steady "B" average.  I like where I'm at now.  It's a good place to be.

I'm thankful for my house.  I have not always loved this house, and this time last year I started to get really "house jealous" of those moving into bigger and better places.  I looked it as an ugly starter home with no potential, but when it was suddenly taken from me it was all I wanted to go home to.  Ugly ass linoleum floors and all.  I'm so thankful for RJ, who dropped everything and made it a beautiful home, one I still get excited to walk into (especially after Stephanie has been here to make it beautiful).  This home is ours - we picked the floors, the paint, the counters, the design.  We brought our babies home to this house.  It is special.  The memories will never be erased, but now there is just newer and prettier surroundings to make them in!

Speaking of RJ, I'm super thankful for him.  I joke about being the customer that never goes away, but honestly - I'm glad he wanted to keep me around.  I never dreamed that the week I'd be moving home would be the week I lost my job.  What a slap in the face.  Thankfully, he finds me entertaining and somewhat useful and I love every day I get to work for him.  It's been a huge blessing for my family.  It's changed our lives completely.

I'm thankful for my health.  I'm also thankful that I decided to quit being a fat ass and figure some things out to get better.  I am glad I didn't stop at a few dead ends or "I don't really know" and trusted myself to find out about gluten and what evil things it can do to someone that has an allergy to it.  I'm growing into a hippie more and more every day, and I love it.  Pass me a poncho and let's twist my hair into dreads!

I'm thankful for running.  It's by far the most rewarding things I've gotten myself into, athletically speaking.  The feeling I had when I crossed that finish line at my first race was indescribable.  It has been something I constantly have to work at, but something I miss when I don't do it.  I love the feeling I get when I pound the pavement, and the esteem when I can truthfully say to someone "I'm a runner."  It's really cool.  I'm glad Misty pushed me, and I'm really glad I didn't tell her to leave me alone (even thought I kind of wanted to).

I'm thankful for ole Seanny boy.  He knows why.  I was thankful for him last year, and the previous like 12 - but I love him lots and lots.

I'm thankful for my funny, funny boys.  My kids are the coolest.  Seriously.  Like, don't even argue with me.  :)

I'm thankful for friends, fun nights, wine, whiskey, fabulous high heels and dresses that fit again and look amazeballs.  I'm thankful for God, His mercy on this silly girl, and His love for me even though I don't always follow the rules.  He is a pretty forgiving dude.  Thank goodness, but I figure it isn't His first rodeo with a spirited lady.  :)

And lastly...I am thankful for those that are still reading this journey.  As of today, I'm officially 25 pounds lighter and three sizes smaller.  My back hurts less and my 5K time is shorter.  I want people to know that you can make a change, even when you think you just can't.  You can go big, or you can do one thing at a time.  Just do it.  It is worth it.  It really is.

Oh, cocktail dress

I think we all know I'm pretty cheap.  I hate to spend money on silly things that I will only wear/use once.  I don't have many events that warrant a cocktail dress, and if I did I'd most likely be around the same people - so I can't pull a Kate Middleton on that, either.  She can get away with wearing things twice because she is gorgeous and her dresses are like $3994993929 a piece.  I'd wear that shit again, too.

I borrowed an adorable dress to wear to the Margarita Ball tomorrow and had every intention of being REALLLYYYY good and not eating veeerrryyyy much.  Well....hum.  I kinda forgot to do that and now I'm scared that the size 12 dress will look awful.  There is nothing worse than being miserable in a dress.  It's quite possibly worse than miserable shoes.  At least you can kick off your shoes.  I'm pretty sure I can't kick off my dress - not that kind of party, I'm guessing.

I did just get my family pics back and while I absolutely love them - I really don't like me in any of them.  That is just me being picky, it has NOTHING to do with the photographer, pictures, anything.  I think in my head I just have a thinner face and I thought I'd be able to really see that more than I do. It's silly, no one would ever notice but me, but still sucks.  I know there are big changes that have happened and still are happening, but it's never fun dealing with the unhappy chubby girl deep down inside.

On the up side, however, I have this dress that I bought for my best friends wedding four years ago (really?  Four years?  Good lord. Where is the time going?) that barely fit then and hasn't fit since.  Well, after trying on the dress I borrowed (pre-pigout) I was feeling pretty good about myself and so I thought "Hey, see what that looks like!" So, I put it on.  And it zipped!  First time in four years it ever came close.  Too bad this dress is spring/summer fabric and print or I'd just wear it instead.  It's adorable and hopefully I'll have some place in the spring to wear it to.

So, we have a super insane crazy busy weekend and then on to Thanksgiving.  I'm running in the Turkey Trot and am not really worried about feeling too left out at dinner because everything we eat pretty much is GF already, and I'm ordering a pie so that will help with my sugar need.  Mom is going to make adjustments on her stuffing and I think we will be good to go.  We had Sawyer's Thanksgiving Feast at school today, and that was NOT a GF situation at all.  I tend to live in my little safe food bubble and so rarely venture out of it that it tends to shock me how much stuff has gluten in it when I'm not in control of the menu.  I brought some trail mix and thank god I did because I was starving when I got home.  I did have a finger sandwich with chicken salad, but I knew two bites in that the white bread was not going to do me any favors so I didn't eat anymore.  I'm proud of my restraint - that is something very hard for me to have around food.  I know being "gluten-ized" is not fun times, though, so I'm learning to just do with out more and more every day!

Oh, the shame

So, I kinda didn't work out a lot last week...

I also didn't run the 5k I said I was going to, either.

I didn't make the greatest food choices and even had a slight case of being "Glutenized" by some renegade soy sauce.

I had family pictures taken, and I was 3 lbs heavier than I should've been.

I know - I know.  This is all, like, not the end of the world, but if I don't keep myself accountable, then who is?

I had a really weird week - full of distractions, full of emotions about it being the year anniversary of our house fire, full of friends and fun events, and somewhat full of wine (which I rarely drink a lot of anymore, to be honest).  I love me some vino.  I love drinking it with friends, and enjoying life like it should be.  I like (gluten-free) dips and chips a LOT...and I love that my friends think about me when having me over and make sure I'm not eating something I shouldn't.  I just can't let myself chow down even though its "safe" food.  Overeater, much?

Honestly...I can't believe it's been a year since the fire.  I'm not sure I could even put into words what that experience was like, and it almost feels like another life time ago.  I'm sure my parents would beg to differ, though, but thank the Lord they were willing to have all 6 of us move in on a moments notice.  I'm not sure if I even asked if that would be ok, but thanks Mom and Dad - you da bomb.  That was pretty awesome of y'all.  I barely remember Everett's 1st birthday, and you would think I'd be doing everything I could to make his 2nd so awesome, but..I'm kinda stuck on that, too.  I have a week to get my act together, and so that means I pretty much have Saturday to figure it out if procrastination goes according to plan.  Just keeping it real, people.

So, its a new week and I have the chance to start again on a fresh slate.  I have signed up for the Turkey Trot and I WILL make that race, so it's time to get serious and train like I should.  I'll be incorporating strength training a few days a week, and I love it.  I'd lift weights over doing cardio any day, but I know I need to do the cardio to continue to lose weight.  I have roughly 13 lbs (give or take, being glutenized always throws my weight off for a few days) to go before I'm out of the 200s.  I'm also staring right into the face of the holidays.  I am glad that I am GF, because that will keep me from eating 90% of the crap that will be around.  I feel like that will help tremendously, but I still need to be good.  And if I'm seeing the weight come off like I have been in the last few weeks, that feeling will be a hundred times better than any stupid cookie I can't eat anyways.

So, if you are following me - feel free to send me a message or a text and keep me accountable.  It helps me not take the day off, and to keep going on this whole journey.  Lord (and Misty) knows I can't do this by myself yet.  It's too easy to fall off the wagon.  Damn wagon...

I'm fluent in Food

It's really no secret I love food.  I associate food with fun, I like to eat out with friends and one of our favorite date night events is to go eat out somewhere new and different.  I worked in the beverage industry for five years, and that allowed me to explore cuisine I might not otherwise had an opportunity to try.  I also learned a lot about food pairings, and how a simple glass of wine can take a meal to a whole different level.

I guess you can say I'm fluent in food.

I love most anything, and will try anything once.  I've eaten at the finest restaurants, the dirtiest hole-in-the-walls and everywhere in between.  I survived living in another country and not speaking the language.  I'm pretty fearless in my food choices and enjoy those who can be adventurous, too.

With this love affair, however, comes the fall out.  How I use and used food as a coping mechanism.  Whenever I was sad/tired/overwhelmed/depressed, I'd instantly head for the pantry for a little something to help myself feel better.  Another bad thing I'd do was beat myself up after certain meals or poorly executed diet plans.  I would feel ashamed for not having any self control over the amount of food I'd consume and what was supposed to be a beautiful experience would quickly turn into a mental game of "You're Not Good Enough".

Bottom line is, your value as a person should never be associated with what you eat.  Thinking you are better or worse than someone else because of the choices you make at breakfast/lunch/dinner is so damaging to the soul.  Beating yourself up after having a meal full of less than stellar choices is not helpful, either.  You shouldn't treat yourself like a petulant child.  Instead, you should be proud of who you are as a whole - not just for what you had for supper.

There are choices in life.  Some are good...some are meh, probably could've done something a little smarter and then there are the ones that fall in the "What in the HELL was I thinking" category.  I, for one, am so glad Facebook didn't exist for a lot of my choices that fall into that last box, but that's what they are - just choices.  They aren't failures, they are just places where I could've chosen better or realistically, just differently.  If I were to say I failed every time I made one of those choices, I'd be a miserable, lonely person who did nothing.  So, why would I said I failed at things such as "I ate a bowl of ice cream".  As I have become more fluent in the language of food, the gluten-free version, I'm finding myself having a more positive look at things and wanting to be on the positive side of life.  Instead of beating myself up about no longer being able to enjoy flour tortillas and donuts, I am remembering the way they make me feel and how proud I am that I've finally figured that out.  Have a taken a bite of donut since this recent discovery - you betcha.  Did I feel awful?  TOTALLY.  But, I didn't let it get me down.  It didn't ruin my food choices for the rest of the day, either.  I didn't go on a gluten binge because I'd already had one bite, so I mine as well keep on going.  That, my friends, is huge for me.  I feel like I've come so far, and I like who I see in that mirror more and more every day.

I think everyone should become fluent in food, it's an amazing thing.  Some of my favorite memories involve food, and I know that I have many more memories waiting to be made.  Just remember that food is just food and that food choices (good or bad) don't define you as a human being.  Life is about so much more, and I think we should all remember that.

Adjustment

I'll start this post with a picture of my back.  Just to get the party started, ya know.  

I've got 99 problems, and a straight spine ain't one...

I've suffered from Scoliosis for about half my life, I think.  I honestly don't remember a time it wasn't an issue.  I'm more than thankful that my parents did NOT opt to place two metal rods in my back or any other crazy surgery they had 15 or so years ago.  I can only imagine how awful that would be.  

I'm pretty lucky, as far as spinal things go, that my vertebrae aren't smashed together and causing even more issues.  My spacing is still there, but Dr. Cindy said if she didn't know this was my x-ray, she would honestly think it was from someone much older.  The body is also an amazing thing - if I didn't show you this picture or show you my "off-ness" (slumped shoulder, one arm appearing longer than the other, etc) you'd probably never know I had this crazy curvature in my back.  I'm cool with how I look now, but my fear as I get older is that I'll be that hunched back old woman.  It truly freaks me out.  I'm way too cute to be a hunchback. 

Have I mentioned how much I like Dr. Cindy and her chiropractic approach?  I've been too one too many quacks, and to say I was hesitant to go to a "granola doctor" (said with all the love in my heart...now) would be an understatement a few months ago.  I really tend to respond to true physical therapy and sports massages best to relieve the almost constant pain I have from my spine.  The quacks tend to yank my neck around, crack it really loud and send me out the door, in no better shape after than I was before.  Dr. Cindy and Co. (from what I can tell thus far) really steer clear of that type of "treatment" and use more PT type of exercises to help their patients.  My biggest issues come from my C7, T8 and L3.  When you look at the list of things they are connected to, it all begins to fall into place.

C7:  Thyroid gland, bursa in the shoulders, elbows - weird, had the thyroid issues and my elbows used to pop all the time and stopped after I was adjusted.

T8:  Spleen, stomach, liver, pancreas, gallbladder, adrenal cortex, small intestine, pyloric valve - well, my poor liver barely survived college, but that wasn't my back's fault.  I have a super touchy stomach, too.  T8 is where the curve is at its worst.

L3: Uterus, bladder, knees, large intestine - hahahahaha seriously?  unhappy, useless, worthless and hateful would be words to describe these.

So, there ya go.  Dr. C has me on fish oil (strawberry lime flavored?  totally bizarre  but whatevs.  I'll take it over tasting like fish) and this other supplement called Simplex F for the time being to see how I do.  Simplex F focuses on healthy production of female hormones and helps promote healthy metabolism.  It also helps with proper thyroid gland function, too.  I hate taking pills, and I'm having to set alarms on my phone to remind myself to take these things, but I'm willing to make the commitment to see if I can turn out of Crazy Town and get back to "normal".  Dr. C said I looked a lot more at peace with things, and was happy I removed that Nuva-ring.  Honestly, I am so glad I did, too.  I'm down to 212, having great runs at the gym and lifting more weight than I was a few weeks ago.  I'm anxious to see if I can keep up this weight loss jump, and finally get out of the 200s.  I know it took years of poor food choices, having babies and hormonal imbalances to get to where I was, but it does feel good to know I'm finally on what I feel is the path back to overall health for myself.  I'm only two pounds away from my next mini-goal, and I can't wait to buy myself some new workout pants when I hit it!  Maybe I can get there by this week, so I'll be extra fine just in time for family pictures on Sunday.  That would be awesome!!  

Honored Hero 5k and a PR!

5k number two is in the books, y'all - with a Personal Record!  Ok, so - I only had one time to beat, but I did it!  I really didn't think I would, either.  It was soooo windy, and I was having a hard time struggling through that.  I found my crew of "slow-timers" and stayed pretty consistant on my pace.  I am still having a hard time getting adjusted to running outside and weaving in and out of people.  I feel like I need to start training in the mall so I get used to herds of people milling about.

I won't lie - I was WAY less prepared for Sunday's race than I was my previous one.  I didn't eat enough carbs and I definitely didn't hydrate properly.  It was probably for the best Madonna cancelled her Saturday concert (NOT FAIR), so I did get a decent amount of sleep, but I totally could've gotten my act together a little bit better.  The prior week's worth of drama was enough to get into my head around Mile 2, and I know I slowed down to a snails pace fighting those internal battles.  It was a super fun race and I had a good time, though.  I'm just ready to run when it's not 85 and muggy.  I think I actually liked running in the rain a little bit better!  At least I wasn't hot!

Official Time: 45:10:37  I beat 90 people!  Let's not talk about the 300 that beat me.  :)

Me and m'coach - she's the best!  She ran the half, and started dancing with the crowd right after she was done.  I'm not sure I was breathing normally yet, and I finished a good hour before she did.  

Anyhoo, how quickly my life has changed and my focus has shifted to finding more races instead of excuses.  Looks like I'll be doing two races in November and the Jingle Bell Run in December!  I even had a dream last night where I ran a half marathon of my own.  Trust me, this is a FAR AWAY dream, but if I've learned anything in the last few months it's to never say never.  Stranger things have happened...

Balance

Hi, friends.

I've been meaning to write this post for a few days, but I just couldn't bring myself to type too many words while I was in my "dark place".  I really had a bad/scary few days, and didn't want to talk about it via the internets.  That's a huge sign of depression for me, since I'm generally overly honest.  It was not a good place to be.

I think I touched on it last post (I'm too tired to go look), but to recap I asked my OB for some Nuva-ring birth control to see if that would help me with my hormones (or lack thereof).  I waited until this past Sunday to put it in, and if I'm being honest with myself I knew in about 6 hours that it was a bad idea.

I am generally a happy person, with normal bouts of depression and sad days.  My life is far from unicorns and cupcakes, but it really is pretty awesome and I'm honestly happy where I am.  I did struggle with post partum depression after the birth of both boys, the second time being so awful I had to resort to bi-weekly counseling to cope.  There were some...extenuating circumstances that may or may not caused that to be worse than a normal baby blues period.  And yes, I'm still bitter.  It's going to take a long time for me to ever forgive fully and trust me when I say I'll never forget.  Some people just shouldn't exist because they are so horrible.  But, that is a story for another blog.

Anywhoo, about the time I got the full dose of hormones raging into my body, I started getting a raging headache.  I'm not very nice with a headache.  I tend to get ocular migraines, and it effects my vision and balance.  I take crab ass to the next level.  I thought "hey, it's just the first day, maybe it will settle down soon."  I was wrong.

The next few days are honestly a blur.  I don't remember much about them, except I pretty much did what I had to and not a whole lot more.  My training sessions were shit, I gained three pounds over night and I was so nauseous I could barely think about eating.  All I wanted was bread.  Too bad I didn't have any that I could eat.  I had no energy, my brain was going back and forth between pounding to foggy and I was hitting my wall.  My attitude stunk, too.  I was so irritable, and I knew it.  I have such a sweet hubby, he was very good about checking in on me.  It was probably very similar to when I was hopped up on 150mg of Clomid and progesterone - someone who has little to no hormones probably isn't going to function well on a ton of them, either.  I was so depressed, lost, confused and truthfully just so sad.  I was so, so sad...I cried a lot.  I cried at missing a stop light.  That, my friends, is ridiculous.

So, I decided that I needed to visit a "granola doctor" (chiro), otherwise known as Dr. Cindy.  ***Sidenote, I actually had an appointment to meet with this same lady years ago when trying to get pregnant with E. It was for the week I found out I was prego.  Never made it in. *** Now, I'm very open to medication, and I'm not afraid of it.  I've seen my appropriate MDs, but I really felt like it was time to take a different approach.  I'm many things but I'd never use the term "granola" for myself, but I feel in the past few months I've really moved in that direction.  Clean eating, organic living, shit - I'll be making my own soap or something like that soon enough I'm sure.  I might even try a craft from Pinterest.  I'm not even sure I know myself at this point, but I like it!  It's like Jenn 3.1, right?  Anyway, so I called and made an appointment with Dr. Cindy and headed her way on Wednesday.

I walked into her office, and immediately felt right at home.  Everyone was so nice, they have a cute new doctor working there (sorry, Sean!) and Dr. Cindy is just like the nicest person ever.  She really listened to my story, and I knew she was taking to heart all of the things we/I have gone through and genuinely wants to help.  In a nutshell, she said I was very unbalanced and we needed to get me detoxed and leveled out.  She also was concerned about the nuva-ring plus mirena combo I was rocking, and she really felt like that was just too much.  Maybe the fact that I started crying 15 different times was a tip off, I don't know.  I just like that she didn't push the issue, but totally addressed it.  (I tend to like making my own decisions and it's always best if I think it was "my idea".  Just a little hint if you don't know me well, haha.) We talked about a lot of other things, and she did these crazy tests on me to see how "off" I am.  I have a follow up appointment next Friday to go over my x-rays (yay, we can see my crazy crooked back!) and get a plan in action for a good ole fashioned detox.  It's gonna be tons o' fun!

Oh, and as soon as I got home, I yanked that damn ring out and haven't looked back.  I lost those 3 pounds again, too.  Overnight.

So, that is where we are today.  I'm back in my glass is half full mentality, and I'm so ready for my 5k this Sunday.  I had a GREAT/BADASS/I'M A ROCKSTAR run on Thursday, and it was what I needed to kick some butt this Sunday.  Running has taught me a lot of things about myself, and I truly enjoy the sense of accomplishment I have after I'm done.  I'm not fast or particularly good at it, but dammit I try really hard and that makes me a runner.  I've always wanted to say that, and it feels amazing to say it and it be true.

Angry Eyes

One of my favorite scenes in the last Toy Story movie is where Mrs. Potato Head packs her husbands "angry eyes" in his butt storage area.  It cracks me up, and I've adopted using the saying for lots of things.  Just ask my favorite Vegan, Katie!

To wrap this week up, here are some high's and low's:

High:  My thyroid levels came back NORMAL!  Praise the Lord!  No meds for me.

Low:  I'm still feeling lethargic.

High:  I got a few free samples of the Nuva-ring, and will be trying that shortly to see if the estrogen will help boost my lady-levels and make me feel better.

Low:  I had a brutal gluten attack, and recorded the crazy fast progression of my stomach.  I apologize for a few things in advance.  1.  That I look like hell.  2.  that I look like pregnant hell.  3. that there are nekkid babies in a few pictures.  I had to take them fast.  Multi-tasking at its finest!

This first picture I took a few weeks ago, when I was at 219/220.  My tummy has since gone down from this, especially the top part.  

This was 15 minutes after accidentally ingesting gluten.  I honestly had maybe 1/2 of my dinner total.  I knew after three bites things were off, but I kept eating like an idiot. 

This was taken about 20 minutes after eating.  I'm starting to feel really full, miserable and my stomach is burning at this point.  For those that have been pregnant, my belly feels the same way: ROCK HARD.  

This is 30 minutes after eating.  I'm a full-blown, totally pregnant looking person at this point.  This is me sucking in, too.  I've had two large glasses of water and I'm about to puke.  I think you can see the pain on my face.  I spent the rest of the night on the couch.

So, I'm pretty sure I have an allergy/severe intolerance to gluten.  My stomach did get a little bigger than this and I got a wicked headache to top off the evening.  I've felt pretty bad all day today.  I am scared to eat, worried that something will trigger this again. It's not a fun way to live.

I totally have my angry eyes in right now.  I'm not angry about going gluten free, I'm just angry that it's so hard to know what will make me sick and what won't.  I'm angry that I have to worry about this.  I'm angry that I can't eat a eff'in donut.   Angry I have to make yet another change in my life...

That is where I am today.  Nursing a glass of water and eating a piece of "safe" banana bread.  I promised Misty I'd be in a better mood today, but I think it's going to take another few hours to get back to happy.

Oh, and I have 8 days until my next 5k!  That part of my life is actually going well!  I'm super excited to run in a race, again - I need the goal to keep focused.  Hopefully my angry eyes won't be packed for my long run tomorrow morning!  I am always an over-packer, though...

T is for Thyroid, Tired and Trouble

I had the big doctor's appointment today.  I'll start with stating how much I love my doctor, and how grateful I am to have found her.  She is badass.

With that said, I'm pretty sure the message from Nurse Barbara was a bit skewed because Dr. D was super gungho to remove the IUD and wasn't really ready for the rest of my questions.  I was agreeable to the removal, because I'm not really a fan, but I wanted to see what she thought about PCOS/Thyroid and gluten.  I am not going to lie.  It totally feels great to have lost 18-20 pounds (depending on the day), but I REALLY feel like I have been dealt the short end of the stick with all of this crap and it should be more and I should be thinner at this point.  There.  I said it.  It SUCKS and I HATE it and I'm TIRED of the fight.  I'm also super over feeling the same way I did when we were trying to have Everett.  Bottomed out on hormones, no end in sight, long road ahead.  I asked her if she thought the IUD was the culprit, if only receiving progesterone and not estrogen was a problem.  She was pretty quick to say she really believes that the hypothyroidism is the biggest issue that I'm facing, and if we could get that adjusted back to normal things would take a turn for the better.  I asked her what she thought about the thyroid being affected by gluten and she gave me her honest answer that she doesn't really know.  She said it was a really new thing out there, there isn't a ton of research that she is aware of to back it up and she hasn't ever treated anyone personally that showed any difference either way.  She said I probably need to take up this gluten issue with a gastroenterologist to get a better answer/treatment plan.  She fully supported the change and said I look the best she's ever seen me (considering I showed up desperate and unable to have a child, then had a crazy pregnancy and finished that up with a trip up post-partum depression highway...I'm not sure that's saying much haha) and that I needed to keep up the hard work and stay focused.  She also said she'd be the one to write me a 'script  if I needed it.  I told her she was my favorite doctor.  :)

So, she prepped to remove the damn IUD, and the stupid thing is where she can't see it.  Which means...it's still there...we think.  OF COURSE it's "missing".  Seriously?  So guess who gets to spend more money on another appointment to have a sonogram to locate the missing IUD?  I just have all the luck!

I had some more blood drawn and hopefully will have results in the next day or two.  The last time I had the blood drawn I was heavy, so I'm curious to see if my levels are still high (which indicated hypothyroidism - weird) now that I've lost a few lbs.  We shall see.  I guess I just want to either cross this thyroid business off the list, or move it to the top and treat it appropriately.  I need a plan!

Stay tuned...

Let them eat cake! No, seriously...

Day 4 is coming to a close, and I'm proud to say I've been 98% Gluten free this whole time!

I really, honestly, do feel better.  And it hasn't been that difficult of a change, either.  The only awkward/man this sucks moment I had was at my friends baby shower and I couldn't eat any cake.  Oh well, I know I didn't need it anyway.  It has been a big change to go from eat what I like to eat what won't make me sick.  It has also been interesting to adjust to my new "full" feeling.  I used to eat and get almost insta-poofy tummy, so that is when I would quit.  Now that I don't really see that poofy thing going on, I have to be careful to not over eat whatever it is I am shoving in my face.  I'm craving more veggies and fruits than ever before, and I even made a "clean" chili that is super delicious!  All in all, I think it will be more or less a permanent shift in food consumption.  I've noticed I've been sleeping better, and not so tired during the day, too.  Who knows if all of this is because of the "Great Gluten Removal", but hey - I'm going to count that it is.

My 2% gluten that is remaining is coming from my Genesis Pure shake.  Man, for someone that hates shakes I'm super addicted to this one!  I can't fathom the thought of removing it from my diet right now.  It is my go-to when I don't feel like eating much, and I really don't see any side effects from it, either.  I know that it could still be causing inflamation, but for now...I'm not saying goodbye.

I went to stay with my DZ Big Sis this past Friday, and she and her husband are doing the Whole30 challenge.  I gave her a hard time at first, but after further consideration it might be the next adventure I take on.  I'm not in a place yet that I feel ready to make the commitment, but it's worth a look-see.

My next race is on the 21st, and Misty was nice enough to get a program together for me to prep for the run.  My shins have been giving me fits again, and I'm trying to baby them as little as possible but they are super tender.  I'm down to 217, but I need to kick my diet into gear and break through the 210 barrier.  I'd love to lose 20 lbs in 2 months - or, really in time for NYE.  I think 2013 is a good year not to be a fat ass anymore.  :)

The Hidden Link

Back in college, I got really sick.  Coincidentally, so did my then-best friend.  It was awful.  I couldn't keep anything in me, I lost a lot of weight and had this weird, bloated stomach that looked ridiculous.  She went to the doctor and ended up having her gallbladder removed.  I went to the doctor and never really figured out what was going on.

Eventually, a Gastroenterologist diagnosed me with intestines that were rotting away, gave me some antibiotics and sent me along my merry way.  The meds worked, don't get me wrong.  I've just never been the same again, internally.  I was only 23.

I've learned a lot of lessons in 31 years, but one I'm having a crash course in is heath and wellness.  In my twenties, I didn't really care about organic, fresh, non-processed foods.  We were broke.  Sean worked at Kraft.  We ate a lot of crackers.   We did the best we could, considered a can of green beans our "vegetables" and went on with life.  When we got off birth control and started trying for the babe that would end up being Sawyer, I had no idea what roller coaster I was about to get on.  I had been on BC since I was a teen, trying to cope with nasty cramps and insane periods, but never in my wildest dreams thought I'd have any issues getting pregnant.  And honestly, the first time, we really didn't.  It was six or seven months of trying (and one month I thought we weren't - whoops, BINGO!) before we found out we were expecting our little bundle of crazy town.  A few months later, I popped out the kid.

After Sawyer was born, I knew we'd want to have another baby relatively close together, so I opted not to have the IUD inserted then.  I got back on the pill like I was used to, and really didn't have any problems.  I lost most of the baby weight rather quickly, gained some of it back when Sawyer started eating solids but for the most part hovered around the high 190s.  Not great for someone of my height, but meh - not the worst, either.

And then, all hell broke loose.

We decided to get back off the pill and start trying for another bambino.  It went a little something like this:
Month 1: this should be so easy, I've totally already had a baby - my body will know what it's doing so fast!!

Month 2:  Ok, totally just needed a month to like...you know... get back in the groove.

Month 3-7:  Sexy time!  Whoop Whoop!  Just kidding...I'm exhausted.  Having a 2 year old is exhausting.

Month 8-12:  Maybe I should start charting?

Month 13: Seriously?  It's been officially over a year...it can't be that difficult.  Right?  Look at all of those high school chicks knocked up, its not like they know what's going on.

Month 14-17:  ok.  WTH.  Something is wrong, but too bad I have a doctor that WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

Month 18: Finally scored an appointment with m'doctor.  She tells me not to worry.  THAT I'M YOUNG.  Dumbest excuse ever.

Month 19: Psycho-dialed said dr's office, finally getting Clomid script.  This is without any blood work of ANY kind.  I think she just wants me to shut up.
***Side note, I was also given this prescription without any instructions, and when I called to get more information, I was told to look it up on the Internet.  I can't make this shit up.
****Another side note.  50mg of Clomid ain't enough.  No dice, again.

Month 20-25:  I've had enough.  I've had enough conversations with friends to realize I'm presenting a few symptoms of PCOS and want to get checked out.  Visit Dr. D, who wastes no time with testing both Sean and myself for issues.  We find out I'm the problem child (no surprise, really), got aggressive with testing and procedures and start tracking levels almost daily during my cycles.  We finally found the "cocktail" of meds that worked and our sweet baby E came into our lives after years of trying.

I go through this all because during months 20-25, I buckled down and abstained from alcohol and ate a very clean, healthy diet.  I was willing to do anything to get pregnant, and I fully believe that all of the things I gave up helped me to finally achieve a healthy pregnancy.  I also am starting to connect the dots.

I haven't felt great since I gave birth to Everett.  Besides a tremendous amount of stress that my work put upon me, I just could never really get out of a funk.  I'm not even sure I lost any baby weight, other than what was Everett and his little placenta home.  I opted to have the Mirena IUD, and I have been miserable with that, too. My diet went to hell because trying to chase after two children was more than I could deal with.  I've just felt like the last two years has been a fog.

Tonight I blew my diet.  I had a beer, some flour tortillas and rice, among other things.  My stomach is ginormous!  I texted my friend to see if all of this happens to her when she eats gluten/grains (it does). I decided to look more into things.

K mentioned reading about a link between gluten intolerance and infertility/miscarriage/PMS.  I've already been thinking about the link of Gluten to how my intestines and stomach reacts.  Is this truly the "hidden link"?  Could this really be the game changer I've felt I have needed to find?  I do know my fellow PCOS sufferer is now PCOS-free due to her drastic change into veganism.  That is huge.  I feel like becoming a vegan is a bit extreme, but maybe I need to take this a bit more seriously.  I was never tested for Celiac's when I was so sick years ago.  Maybe I should've been.

Food for thought, huh?

Here is a quick article I found about gluten and the link to the girl problems.  She lists 10 conditions.  I've had eight of them.

My Village

I have a village.

It really spans past that, though.  I have a friggin Metropolis.

Sean used to give me a hard time about the amount of time I spent on the phone with friends.  Friendship is so important to me.  I love my friends deeply and wholly, and I need that connection in my life to have my cup full. When we had the fire (almost a year ago, so crazy), those friends were our saving grace.  I had texts, calls, emails and visits from near and far all checking in, making sure we were ok.  We had clothes at our doorstep for the children within hours of the event from Sawyer's school.  My then co-workers sent a gift card that next day, and my RNDC buddies chipped in and loved us deeply, too.  We had gifts from unexpected sources, old friendships reconnected (hey, Keshia!) and a support system that I needed.  My family was awesome, too.  They let us take over their lives and move in while we picked up the pieces.  It was a stressful time, one I'm probably still having a little post-traumatic stress from, but the love was felt then and now.

I write about this now because it's what's led me to doing all of this.  

I received a text from a buddy today, congratulating me on my race and that she was proud of me and what I am doing.  I thought that was SO cool!  I'm not going to lie, the benefit of smaller clothes, overall health and goal achieving is awesome sauce.  The support and cheers, however, is the best part. I really felt that I couldn't do this.  That I would never achieve this goal.  Me?  A runner?  Puhhh-leeassse.  I've pooh-poohed doing this for years, really out of fear.  I hate failing, so why put myself in the position to do so?  Now, I'm addicted to it.  I'm freaking borderline obsessed with running.  I want to high-five all the big girls at the gym, and tell them they rock for getting out there.  It's such a crazy change I still can't even believe I just RAN A 5k!  I've already signed up for another one, too!  Who is this person???

Friends, it's hard every day.  The food challenges are still there.  But, I can do this.  I already have and will so again.  I have my village.  My village says get yo ass up and run, girl. 

RACE DAY!

I did it, y'all!

Today I completed my very first 5K!

This morning I was faced with a big decision.  Do I stay home in my warm, comfy bed or get my rear in gear and get our to Rahr?  It has been raining now for probably 12 hours straight, and the thought of pounding the pavement in the rain sounded horrible.  I was really frustrated.  After two solid months of training and NO rain - I get to run in super soggy conditions.  I've already shot myself in the foot by only training on a treadmill and doubt my abilities of this going well.  I sent a few texts to those who were scheduled to attend, figured out who was going still and headed out before I could change my mind.

We got out there about an hour before the race started, and it was full of nervous energy for me.  I had a lot of texts and Facebook messages coming through, but nothing got to me like this one:

I totally choked up when I saw this picture from Sean.  It makes all the time I've spent at the gym, not eating yummy, bad for you foods, and miles I've run worth it.  I knew I had to do this and make Sawyer proud!

It was finally race time, and I got in the huge pack of people ready to go.  I actually surprised myself at how well I did coming out of the start.  I really hate the bum-rushing that always happens, with people pushing and shoving and jockeying for position.  It was a relatively smooth start, and off I went around the corner.  The first lesson I learned was don't try and keep up with those people at the front.  That went well for about 30 seconds, and I was already toast.  I put my headphones on and turned on my music so I could try and get focused.  I did ok until about 3/4 into the first mile and I got hit with the biggest side stitch ever!  Shin splints, arch pain, back pain - all of these I have dealt with in the past few weeks.  I really never had side stitches, and boy did it hurt.  I was almost in tears.  I was so frustrated that I couldn't get past it, and I wanted to quit so badly.  All I could think about was Sawyer and his cute little sign and it was enough to keep me going.  I'm pretty sure I was "wogging", but whatever - I was moving and that's all that matters.

I finally out ran the stitch, and suddenly found my pace.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall again, but I breezed through the second mile pretty easily.  Having my music helped tremendously.  The same songs I ran to almost every day really kept me motivated and focused.  I can't be sure, but I may have been singing out loud.  I hope everyone liked my Britney Spears.

After I hit that second mile marker, I started having trouble again.  For me, running is 90% a head game, 10% actual exercise.  I am my own worst enemy, and I find it at times hard to keep placing one foot in front of the other.  It was uphill again, and my legs were burning.  I kept being passed by what seemed like everyone in the race, and I was almost in tears again.  I just wanted to be done so bad, I wasn't enjoying the moment like I should have been.  I saw this lady, who was a lot bigger and older than I, and she was still chugging along.  I was like, man - if she can do this, so can I.  I wiped the tears and pushed on.

I was almost done when Misty came down the street.  Boy, I was glad to see her!  I was keeping pace, but it was nice to have a partner to make the last little bit together.  We rounded the corner and I hit whatever gas I had left and finished the race.  I'm pretty sure the super sweet photographer at the end caught me in pre-meltdown.  I lost it after I finished.  To actually commit to running, training almost every day, changing my diet and ultimately completing a goal I once felt was unattainable ..it was a big moment.  I felt proud of myself.  I knew I had done good.

So, there ya have it.  My first race!  I'm already planning on doing another one, but I just needs to see what my schedule permits.  I ate a huge burger, showed Sawyer my "medal" (Finisher Pint Glass) and took a nap.  Hopefully the boys can come cheer me one at the next one, because that would make it even sweeter.  :)

Here is my official time:

 Here is my super sweet "Medal":

Now, I need to find some beer to drink from that bad boy...

Forever 219

I feel like my scale hates me.

No matter what I've done in the past few weeks, it refuses to budge from 219.  Well, that is somewhat of a fib.  Some mornings it will say 218.6 or something to that effect, but what is that?  Mine as well round up and say 219.  I freaking hate the number 219.

I met with Misty and got some good food and snack ideas and also worked on getting me to eat more often.  Say, whhhaa?  Who knew that was probably my problem.  I love to eat, I never thought it would be that I wasn't eating ENOUGH.  In all fairness, this is not a carte blanche excuse to eat my way through the Cici's buffet line at any given moment.  She and I just think that my metabolism needs a kickstart and eating 5-6 times a day, in smaller meals, will be a good solution to that problem.  Also, with my PCOS causing issues with insulin, etc, she suggested I try and not eat carbs (or as few as possible, and the good ones, too) in the evening.  This all sounds do-able and feasible, but I'll be really honest here.  The past few nights have been very trying on this momma.  I have a baby that hates to eat solids, I have a big boy that says everything is "not his favorite" and I can't even remember the last time I sat down to eat before we had to run off to soccer or this/that/whatever.  Single mommas, you have my upmost admiration.  Having Sean in class four nights a week is taxing on us all.  It is absolutely for the greater good, but it really sucks not having another set of hands to help during dinner.  It makes it harder for me, personally, to make good decisions.  It's much easier to throw a few extra chicken nuggets in the microwave than to find chicken, defrost it and cook it.  I'm also having a difficult time eating more often since the only meal time I have alone is lunch and I'm rarely super hungry then.   It's just a huge adjustment.

In happier news, I did finally go get some new workout pants so I will be super cute for Saturday's race.  I still am not sure if I'll be rocking a tank or a tee, but all in all, I'm really getting excited about the whole thing.  I had a great 30 minute workout today on the elliptical, with a bonus five minute heavy run on the treadmill.  I will do some interval training tomorrow and rest up on Friday.  I can't believe it's almost time to run!  Talk about having two months of your life fly right past you...

The Final Stretch

This is is, the last few days before the BIG RACE!!  I'm nervous, anxious and honestly - just ready for it to be here already.

I've now worked out for the past six days straight, which marks an official record for me.  I couldn't tell you the last time that I've spent six straight days doing workout things.  I probably would've bailed on the last two days of events had it not been for my Be Fri, K.  Peer pressurer at its finest, but she got the job done and made me stay accountable to her and most of all, to myself.

Yesterday, I ran outside for the first time really ever and quickly realized how fast the race is going to eat my lunch.  It is SO different than jogging on a treadmill.  I'm pretty sure I've screwed myself in some ways by only training indoors, but what can I do about it now?  I just have to stay calm and carry on - isn't that the saying?  It has just been soooo hot here and I know myself enough to know if I had tried to do all of that running outside, it would've NEVER happened.

My legs are tired, my feet hurt and my knees at any given point are going to give out on me - and yet, I feel the best I've felt in years.  It's so weird, but I've just really let go and let God with this whole process, and I really feel like a weight has been lifted in many ways.  My next goal is to break through the 219 plateau I've been at for a few weeks, now.  I'll go down to 217, only to be right back up the next day.  It's frustrating because I know I'm smaller because m'damn pants are falling off of me (literally.  This actually almost happened yesterday at a birthday party.  Em-barrassing!).  I just want the scale to reflect how I look and feel.  I think it just wants to remain spiteful.

Tomorrow is my off-day for working out, and tonight I'm doing some meal and workout planning to coast into the race on Saturday.  Five more days...

PCOS is a POS

I've been thinking a lot about PCOS lately, and how it majorly affects my weight loss efforts and general health.  I was only diagnosed in December 2009, after I switched OB-GYNs.  My previous doctor, while kind, sweet, and the one that delivered Sawyer, just wasn't listening to me when I said "I think something is wrong."  I kept hearing that I was young, that I had time, and that we had already had one baby without any issues.  All I saw were the months as they went by, one by one.  We really wanted a second child, and it just wasn't happening.  A few months before we decided to start trying I had lost weight, I was working out, I was eating pretty well for someone who had a high stress sales job.  When I went off the pill, it all went to shit.  My body just freaked out and shut down.  I promptly packed on the pounds, my already low energy body was almost lethargic at times and month after month all I ever saw was one pink line.  It was devastating.  I blogged about it on and off on my family blog, and it still makes my heart hurt to read the words I wrote back then.  To top it off, we finally had to resort to using fertility drugs and taking those was almost a full time job in itself.  I have never felt so alone in my life.  Nothing was working, I was a hormonal mess that no one wanted to be around and it was just so hard.  I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it all.  I don't wish it on anyone.  It was the worst.  Obviously we finally got things working and with 150mg of Clomid, along with some progesterone shots and other fun things later, we have our precious Everett!  I wouldn't change any of it, because it made me stronger, but I wish it could have been a bit easier.

So, back to PCOS and weight loss.  The more and more I read, the more I feel like I need to buckle down and change my diet or I'll never see a difference.  I've all but cut out sodas (yay!  This is a major victory.), but I need to do more.  Everything seems to be tied to insulin.  Women with PCOS make excess insulin to regulate blood sugar levels.  They once said diet doesn't matter, but turns out it does.  It's a big deal to cut out junk and concentrate on the proteins and good fats that slow down the digestive process down.  It scares me to think that I'm potentially looking at heart disease or diabetes if I don't get this in check.  It upsets me to know that this will never go away and I'll always be dealing with it.  If it wasn't bad enough going through the fertility issues, now it's just screwing around with my day to day life.  I'm mad that I have this challenge, but I am glad that every victory will be that much sweeter since it was twice as hard to accomplish.

So, I've pretty much given up on C25K for now.  It was a GREAT starting point, but at week 5 it went off the reservation and had me doing long distance runs my body just wasn't quite up to yet.  Along with my friend, we have come up with a plan for the next week to get ready for THE BIG RACE.  I did two miles today, mostly to see how my body did with that distance.  I ran/walked it in 33 minutes doing intervals.  Most of them were 5 minutes running/1.5 minutes walking.  I think I could've done three but I got a phone call that I had to take, so that was the end of that.  My shins hurt a bit, as do my ankles, so I think I'm going to take tomorrow off to rest up.  I'm hoping with the few trainings I have left and the adrenaline that I know I'll have pumping on race day that I'll be able to finish.  I'd love to run the whole thing, and I'll start with that goal, but trust me I won't kick myself if I walk some, too.  I just can't believe its so close!! Seven more days...

M'Pants don't fit

I'm pretty sure my tailor is about to love me.  I have about 10 pairs of pants that need altering in one way or another.  I'm considering it a nice Christmas present for her, a few months early.

Now, trust me.  I am SOOO excited that m'pants don't fit.  Usually I'm crying because I can barely button them, or my muffin top is to the extreme, but hooray - not the case!  I'm just slightly annoyed because 1.  I'm cheap and I don't want to spend MORE money altering Target pants and 2. That I'm still not losing my baby gut area.  Not to be an Eeyore for much longer, I am finding that my legs are looking pretty damn good if I say so myself.

My friend sent me an article yesterday, and it could possible change my life.  Back story on me:  When I was pregnant with Sawyer (my first), I didn't gain any weight until around the fifth month.  I didn't need maternity clothes, I looked generally the same except I had some sweet big boobies that I'd never had before.  Literally, overnight, I "popped" and promptly gained around 18 pounds in the matter of two weeks.  If this sounds at all painful, let me assure you that it was.  It felt like I was being ripped in half, which turns out I was.  Thanks to my sweet, crazy baby(ies - E is not exempt from causing damage) I now have a gap between my abdominal muscles, which has left my stomach in shambles.  It is not pretty.  I have cried many a time over it, too.  I have been told that my only hope is a tummy tuck.  Losing around 18 pounds has helped some, which I knew it would, but it's still awful.  This is called Diastasis Recti, and until yesterday I did not know it could be healed by proper exercises.

Most women I know try and get a flat(ter) tummy as soon as they possibly can after giving birth.  I know I did.  We all do crunches and ab workouts and wonder why things aren't going back down.  Turns out that doing all of those exercises actually makes things worse.  Helene Byrne of BeFit-Mom says: 

In sports and fitness training, what you practice is what you get, i.e., muscle specificity theory. If you allow the abs to balloon during exercise, that is what you are unintentionally training your abs to do. (Yikes!) More importantly, expansion of the abdominal wall worsens abdominal separation and contributes to many postpartum problems, such as lower back pain, pelvic instability, postural problems, and urinary stress incontinence.

Lack of strength and functional control in the TvA is the most common pitfall for all new moms. Most women, who have tried to recondition their abs the traditional way, with lots of crunches, end up with unsatisfactory results. Their abs grow stronger, but never flatten. Their bellies, particularly below the waist, protrude and stay round. 

Man...I do NOT want this eff'ed up tummy anymore.  I am planning on meeting with a few trainers and my doctor to see what their thoughts are on this plan, but I really feel like this might be a way to avoid surgery and help things.  It's worth a shot, right?  

So, in other ground breaking news:  YESTERDAY I RAN A WHOLE MILE WITHOUT STOPPING!  This is such a huge accomplishment for me, I almost started crying when I was done.  I honestly thought it would never happen.  I was slow, it was painful, but I did it.  I feel like some of this hard work is finally paying off!

Here is my first ever mile run in full:

I want Karate Lessons

That is all I ever hear out of my 5 year olds mouth.  I'm about to lose my damn mind.

I keep promising him that I will make him a "chore chart" and let him earn said lessons, but in true "Mom of the Year" fashion, I keep putting it off.  Why, you say?  Because I don't want to pay for it.  They say babies are expensive.  FALSE.  Five year olds are expensive.  Babies like boxes and car keys.  Five year olds want freakin soccer/karate/legos every waking moment.  I wish it counted to Sawyer that we are paying a pretty penny for a wonderful school experience not every kid is afforded, but alas...he just doesn't see it that way.  And it's good that he doesn't, but that doesn't help mommy pay for the damn karate.

I did my C25K today.  I am on Week 5, Day 2.  Today's training was an eight min runs followed by a five minute walk, done twice.  I'm proud to say that I didn't walk at all during either eight minute stretch.  I looked around for my medal when I was done, but it seems they forgot to leave it for me at the front desk of the gym.  As usual, I played "don't let my mind F with me while I'm running" during each jogging stretch.  I'll break it down for you, so you have the scary inner working of me.  It starts out like this:

First Minute: Hey...you...um, FYI, you suck at this.
Me: Yup...well aware of that.  Thanks for reminding me.

Second - Fourth Minute: You know the picture (see below) where it shows a real runner and then the chubby girl?  That is a true story.
Me:  I'm pretty sure I would never wear a yellow windbreaker, though.

Fifth - Seventh Minute: Lionel Richie comes on.  Boom.  I'm dancin on the ceiling.  I got this, bitches.

Eighth Minute:  JUST. KEEP. GOING.  OMG...I have to pee so bad.

Whew...now, repeat that twice and you can see how I felt this morning!  I might have to wear depends while running this blasted race, but hey - you do what you gotta do.

Weight wise, I'm stuck at 219.  I took my measurements yesterday, and they are as follows:

Waist: 40.5 Inches
Left Thigh: 28.25
Right Thigh: 28.25
FUPA area: 48.25 (go away, FUPA.  You are the bane of my existence)
Left arm: 16
Right Arm: 16

So, looks like I'm proportional.  I'm losing weight from my face down and from my toes up - leaving me with this weird bigger belly that needs to go find a new home.  Sawyer told me yesterday that he wants a baby sister (who is named Callie, by the way).  I hope he's kidding.  Though, after spending time with my BFF's girls last night...I totally want one, too.  :)

My Plan for the Week

How is it already Monday?  Better question is, how is it already less than two weeks before the BIG RACE?  I kinda get all sweaty and anxious every time I start to think about it.  I know it will be fine, I know that I'll finish, and I KNOW that I'll consume a few yummy beerz afterwards, but oh my goodness...I can't hardly wait!

My plan for this week is to workout Tuesday and Wednesday for sure, with the Thurs/Fri/Sunday still up in the air.  I would really love to get in four workouts, but I've learned to be really proud and satisfied with the three that usually happens.  I used to beat myself up if I didn't stick to my "plan" - and then just quit it all together.  Seems totally dumb now that I think about it.  It's just like eating a donut...I like them...I'm going to eat them...I'm just going to limit myself and workout even harder if I do decide to indulge.  End of story!  This attitude adjustment has served me well.  I am my own worst critic.  No one can make me feel as bad as I can. (For the most part.  There have been some real bitches in my life that have caused a few issues, but I believe in karma and when you are ugly, all you will receive back is ugly.  So, there.) I just need to not get knocked out of the saddle, and instead use every mistake as a challenge to do better next time.  It's working so far.

Now, one of the biggest things weighing on my mind is what to wear for the BIG RACE.  I'm pretty sure my too large yoga pants and lame UTA tee shirt aren't going to cut it.  I bought a pair of those wind shorts with the underwear in them (OMG, funniest thing ever on me), but I will not be rocking those in public any time soon.  I don't want to spend a lot of money, but I do want something that will last.  My workout clothes are starting to look really sad (and big, YAY!) and I need some new things.  Maybe there will be a Target fashion show in the next few days...

I also need some headphones that stay in my ears while jogging.  I apparently have the worlds tiniest ears.  I'm almost positive my 5 year old has bigger ones (poor guy)than I.  Nothing stays put and it drives.me.CRAZY every time I run.  While cleaning out my super awesome office, I did find a $30 gift card to Best Buy!  I think I'll be headed that way shortly to see what they have.  I also found two gift cards to the movies and my Gucci glasses.  Score!

Taking Control

I have the best friends.  No, seriously.  The very best!  Not everyone has friends that will give up their Saturday to come help a momma-in-need, but I do.  I love this darling girl so much.

Carley is one of the sweetest, funniest people I know.  While I tend to teeter on all things Virgo, she is absolutely the best example of what our astrological sign has to offer.  She is actually a few years younger than me, and I grew up knowing her more as my brothers friend than anything else.  She was never that "pesky sister", though, and I always adored her from day one.  At some point, I saw SNL and thought Mike Meyers was saying Chickey Monkey (um, try cheeky monkey, but oh well.  I shouldn't have been watching it anyway, haha) in one of his skits and I gave her that nickname.  I've called her that ever since.  She is the sister-in-law I should have if my brother had any sense, but I guess I'll just have to accept that he is an idiot.  :)  It really is a shame!

Back to the mess that was/is my house.  I'm not going to lie.  Having your house catch on fire is one of the worst things ever.  I felt like we have never going to fully recover from having our stuff taken away and nearly losing our home.  What was brought back was overwhelming, too, and since I lost my job the week we were moving back in, it was all just too much.  I did what I could handle, but there were many boxes left unpacked and lots of "where in the hell does this go" items strewn around the newly remodeled abode.  My brand new office (formerly my front porch) was literally a storage closet.  The dining room table consistently had piles of random shit on it.    My room had boxes, bookshelves that were full of books that my husband has some weird attachment to, and a closet that I didn't know how to arrange.  So, instead of actually dealing with the issues at hand...I just started to eat, instead.  I had a lot of anger about a lot of things, and I just didn't care anymore.  I found a picture of myself the other day at that time, and it was scary.  I looked like hell.  I looked tired, worn down, and possibly like the next star of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."  I was a hot mess.

Then, something changed.  I read all of these blogs where people say they have these epiphany's, these moments of clarity.  I always thought it was because they were trying to sound good on their blogs.  Then, I had one, too.  Something similar to the day I broke down to God, begging him to let me get pregnant after two years of trying.  (I found out I was pregnant the very next day) It was just like, why am I allowing this to happen to me?  No one is making these choices for me, and if ever I had a chance to make a difference this was it.  I was working from home, my stress level was at an all time low, and we were finally settled back into our "new" house.  So, it was time for a change.  And just like that, everyone around me was wanting to help me change, too.  Hubby is in school, so I had to start cooking a lot more.  I challenged myself to start making more dinners at home with yummy, healthy recipes.  A friend randomly challenged me to doing a 5K.  I reconnected with my BFF and most of our dates are at the gym.  Another friend brought me to the Genesis Pure line.  Today, Carley helped me clean out the office area and kitchen table and let me tell you...I feel like a new woman!  Pretty much like I can do anything, which is good considering I have the 5K in two weeks and I'm scared to death it will be a disaster.  It just goes to show me that cleaning is good for the soul, and organization is totally key in this crazy Virgo.  I got a tweet from Virgonian today that said "Strangers think I'm quiet, my friends think I'm outgoing, and my best friends know I'm insane."  I started laughing because that might be closer to the truth than I'd care to admit.  Oh well.  Y'all love me anyway, right?

Thursday Tidbits

I have found it all but impossible to work out this week.  I've only been once.  It's not that I don't WANT to go (I actually do), but it just seems that one thing leads to another and they all end up equalling me not working out.  Not great for a girl that has her first 5K soon.  I have a running date tomorrow, but all I want to do is sleep.  It's been a rough week physically and emotionally, and I'm totes over it.

So, I promised to write about supplements.  If there was ever a girl that hates peddling random products, it's this one right here.  (For the record, I actually feel like selling wine fits into that category.  How I got into the biz in the first place is a long, weird story.  Maybe I'll tell you over a glass of wine sometime?)  I tend to run from those who want to sell to me, as well.  I really, really love my friends that do that for a living, but hosting a Pampered Scentsy Thirty One party is just not something I would like to do.  With that said, I'm a freaking sucker for the latest and greatest weight loss products.   I totally want the quick fix (duh) and will try a lot of stupid shit out in hopes that it will be "the one".  Um...obvi, that hasn't happened yet or I wouldn't be writing this blog to air out all of my dirty, over sized laundry.

Enter Misty and her Genesis Pure. Girlfriend is a born sales person, and above all is a really good person with a big heart.  She called me randomly (or was it?) and said I should try out some of these new products she and her hubby have gotten into.  They are like Olympic athletes or something a lot closer to it than I'll ever be, and they love the supplements.

Que me wanting to run away.

I didn't though, and drove the two streets over to collect my generous goody bag o' products from Genesis Pure.  Overall there were some busts, some of them fell into the "I don't know what in the hell this is for" category and then...there it was...the SHAKE.

I can't stand shakes.  Remember when I mentioned my sons having issues with texture?  Well, that fun trait is probably from me.  I've grown out of most of my issues, but I really, really, like for realz don't like shakes at all.  Carnation Instant Breakfast makes me want to vomit just thinking about it.  I did the Shakeology cleanse for three days and actually puked up the shake one day because it just got to be too much.  So, I'm sure you can understand my hesitance to try yet another "super, going to change your life, awesome sauce for sure" shake product.  Alas, I am super frugal and not a waster (remember the chicken nuggets?) so I went ahead and made the blasted thing just so I could bitch about another shake product sucking.

Too bad that isn't what happened!

Holy crap.  I liked it.  Actually, I love it!  I have ordered my own and need to reorder more tomorrow.  It's delicious!  It doesn't have a metallic taste, I can blend it with frozen fruit and it makes a great breakfast that holds me at full until lunch.  Who knew it was possible!??

Since the Great Shake Discovery of 2012, I've also ordered the Green Coffee Bean extract pill.  This pill is supposed to do...something.  There is quite a long description, but the gist is that it helps with weight loss, blood sugar levels and doesn't give you the shakes.  I've taken it for a few days, and I've dropped a few lbs.  I'm skeptical to say that this pill is actually the reason for the drop, but I guess only time will tell.

**Major victory for the day:  I didn't drink a Diet Coke at lunch.  Man....I totally wanted one, though.