Balance

Hi, friends.

I've been meaning to write this post for a few days, but I just couldn't bring myself to type too many words while I was in my "dark place".  I really had a bad/scary few days, and didn't want to talk about it via the internets.  That's a huge sign of depression for me, since I'm generally overly honest.  It was not a good place to be.

I think I touched on it last post (I'm too tired to go look), but to recap I asked my OB for some Nuva-ring birth control to see if that would help me with my hormones (or lack thereof).  I waited until this past Sunday to put it in, and if I'm being honest with myself I knew in about 6 hours that it was a bad idea.

I am generally a happy person, with normal bouts of depression and sad days.  My life is far from unicorns and cupcakes, but it really is pretty awesome and I'm honestly happy where I am.  I did struggle with post partum depression after the birth of both boys, the second time being so awful I had to resort to bi-weekly counseling to cope.  There were some...extenuating circumstances that may or may not caused that to be worse than a normal baby blues period.  And yes, I'm still bitter.  It's going to take a long time for me to ever forgive fully and trust me when I say I'll never forget.  Some people just shouldn't exist because they are so horrible.  But, that is a story for another blog.

Anywhoo, about the time I got the full dose of hormones raging into my body, I started getting a raging headache.  I'm not very nice with a headache.  I tend to get ocular migraines, and it effects my vision and balance.  I take crab ass to the next level.  I thought "hey, it's just the first day, maybe it will settle down soon."  I was wrong.

The next few days are honestly a blur.  I don't remember much about them, except I pretty much did what I had to and not a whole lot more.  My training sessions were shit, I gained three pounds over night and I was so nauseous I could barely think about eating.  All I wanted was bread.  Too bad I didn't have any that I could eat.  I had no energy, my brain was going back and forth between pounding to foggy and I was hitting my wall.  My attitude stunk, too.  I was so irritable, and I knew it.  I have such a sweet hubby, he was very good about checking in on me.  It was probably very similar to when I was hopped up on 150mg of Clomid and progesterone - someone who has little to no hormones probably isn't going to function well on a ton of them, either.  I was so depressed, lost, confused and truthfully just so sad.  I was so, so sad...I cried a lot.  I cried at missing a stop light.  That, my friends, is ridiculous.

So, I decided that I needed to visit a "granola doctor" (chiro), otherwise known as Dr. Cindy.  ***Sidenote, I actually had an appointment to meet with this same lady years ago when trying to get pregnant with E. It was for the week I found out I was prego.  Never made it in. *** Now, I'm very open to medication, and I'm not afraid of it.  I've seen my appropriate MDs, but I really felt like it was time to take a different approach.  I'm many things but I'd never use the term "granola" for myself, but I feel in the past few months I've really moved in that direction.  Clean eating, organic living, shit - I'll be making my own soap or something like that soon enough I'm sure.  I might even try a craft from Pinterest.  I'm not even sure I know myself at this point, but I like it!  It's like Jenn 3.1, right?  Anyway, so I called and made an appointment with Dr. Cindy and headed her way on Wednesday.

I walked into her office, and immediately felt right at home.  Everyone was so nice, they have a cute new doctor working there (sorry, Sean!) and Dr. Cindy is just like the nicest person ever.  She really listened to my story, and I knew she was taking to heart all of the things we/I have gone through and genuinely wants to help.  In a nutshell, she said I was very unbalanced and we needed to get me detoxed and leveled out.  She also was concerned about the nuva-ring plus mirena combo I was rocking, and she really felt like that was just too much.  Maybe the fact that I started crying 15 different times was a tip off, I don't know.  I just like that she didn't push the issue, but totally addressed it.  (I tend to like making my own decisions and it's always best if I think it was "my idea".  Just a little hint if you don't know me well, haha.) We talked about a lot of other things, and she did these crazy tests on me to see how "off" I am.  I have a follow up appointment next Friday to go over my x-rays (yay, we can see my crazy crooked back!) and get a plan in action for a good ole fashioned detox.  It's gonna be tons o' fun!

Oh, and as soon as I got home, I yanked that damn ring out and haven't looked back.  I lost those 3 pounds again, too.  Overnight.

So, that is where we are today.  I'm back in my glass is half full mentality, and I'm so ready for my 5k this Sunday.  I had a GREAT/BADASS/I'M A ROCKSTAR run on Thursday, and it was what I needed to kick some butt this Sunday.  Running has taught me a lot of things about myself, and I truly enjoy the sense of accomplishment I have after I'm done.  I'm not fast or particularly good at it, but dammit I try really hard and that makes me a runner.  I've always wanted to say that, and it feels amazing to say it and it be true.